


Moonstar

by Code-Name_Black_Widow (LadyYunaRose)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: It makes sense I swear, Jealous Remus Lupin, Jealous Sirius Black, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Meddling James Potter, POV Third Person, Partial second person, Sexual Content, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, but it isn't explicit, canon compliant death in the epilogue, it's actually from the character's POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:54:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29070627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyYunaRose/pseuds/Code-Name_Black_Widow
Summary: In which Sirius is jealous and doesn't know why. In which Remus has no idea why he can't talk to his bestie anymore. In which James Potter just wishes they talked.Or, the story of how Remus and Sirius found out they loved each other. And came to terms with it.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 45





	1. The Way It All Began

_“Ah!”_

_You moan, because you really can’t keep it all in anymore. Not when you’re feeling like this. Though you really_ should _shut up, cause knowing you won’t be the one to run the show is odd enough as it is. Feeling that little smirk against your belly makes you want to claw your own eyes out. Or do something just as stupid._

 _But you seriously cannot control yourself. You seriously can't. Not when that tongue keeps on lapping your belly. Not when it licks your bellybutton, light_ and _bossy, and those white teeth scratching you… Everything’s going dramatically well. Too well._

 _You feel hair running slowly on your chest, up to your neck and realise that, yes,_ he _has you wrapped around his little finger and he_ knows _it. That in that moment he could ask you to tell McGonagall you hate school and you wouldn’t regret it. You realize he thinks it’s funny you’re completely gone on him. So you really cannot predict that he’s taking your mouth in way that is everything but innocent, demanding to use his tongue on you. You whimper a little when the kiss stops as abruptly as it starts._

_“Rem, Rem. You should have told me you were so… compliant, you know? Maybe I was overthinking stuff a little bit.” He says, smirking barely an breath away from your lips, while he’s still tickling your bellybutton._

_“And you should have told me your kink is bellybuttons. It’s revolting, you know?” you ask, swallowing noisily. You’re trying very hard not to linger on who’s in front of you._

_“Oh, Rem, but I was only curious.” He answers, as if it’s simplest thing in the whole world._

_“Curious?” you wonder, hesitant. Then you decide to be brave. Bloody hell, Remus John Lupin. You’re a Gryffindor and a Marauder, you can’t be afraid. You slowly raise your hand, to stroke his face and his slightly dishevelled, blackest-black hair._

_“When you transform, it’s the part of you that stretches the most. I’ve watched you_ a lot _during your transformations.” He tells you, with a disarming brightness in his eyes._

 _“_ Sirius,” _you just call him by his name at this point. And you realise all you’ve been waiting for was for him to stop for a couple of seconds and just look at you, to stroke your lips before kissing them with his own, slow and soft when they want to be._

_Feeling his body against your own is beautiful, and he’s still mumbling, pausing just to kiss your skin. Or to feel your mouth on his._

_Come to think of it, Remus, you realise that everything actually began a lot before you expected. Much later than you wanted to anyway. And you also realise that,_ no _, you will never forget the first time you realised you wanted Sirius Orion Black for reasons that had nothing to do with homework or magical chess. The first time you wanted to do_ this.

 _That may not be that bad of an idea. But you also realise that to understand anything at all, you_ really _should start from the beginning._

_***_

Remus Lupin was just a common student. Sure, he was part of the most debated group of friends since the foundation of Hogwarts. And once a month he had to go through what was now officially called ‘his furry little problem’, but… he was basically a simple guy. He was a sixth-year student and he was a prefect, which made him feel quite guilty if he behaved even a little bit… marauderly. Sometimes he acted like the voice of reason in their group of friends, but he never really felt embarrassed about it.

He was like the other side of a coin: on the one side, James and Sirius, always Marauders, always joking around; on the other side, Remus, who was much calmer and quieter. It was much more likely to find him reading a book bigger than he was than to find him sassing someone. His friends knew it, of course, which is why they never forced him into pranks he didn’t want to pull. Mostly because they knew that when Remus really was into it, he pulled the best of pranks. His brains with Prongs and Padfoot’s brawn were not to be underestimated.

But that wasn’t one of those moments for Remus. Not really. He wasn’t even reading.

He was leaning against a tree on the banks of the Black Lake and he was thinking. About everything and nothing. It felt nice, emptying his brain once in a while.

He was shaken by a soft rustling through the grass, of someone walking. He looked up and smiled. He really hoped Sirius Black would never change. He still wore his uniform like any eleven-year-old would. And he still persisted in only wearing his trousers and white shirt under the cloak, no sweater, his tie floppily hanging from his neck. He said he was always hot and that the sweater would suffocate him. He was right. Sirius’s skin was boiling-hot. He was a human heater.

“Hey, Rem.” He was greeted with a smirk. Black phenotype, even though he would have never admitted so, not even under torture.

“Hey, Sirius. James and Peter?” He asked with a soft smile.

“Why, Rem? Am I not enough for you?” Sirius chuckled, sitting beside him.

“Oh, I would never disrespect you. But you and Jamie basically live in symbiosis, and Peter always follows James around. So, I was wondering whether I should use my pin to save their arses or not.” He answered, resuming his reading through… well, whatever book he was reading at the moment.

Sirius didn’t answer. He just lay down, resting his head on the werewolf’s crossed legs. Remus closed the book and his eyes. He only felt peace. Absolute peace.

“Rem?” Sirius called him back to reality, after what it felt like ages.

“Yes?”

“James is in the library, bothering Evans. Peter is in detention. Remedial Transfiguration with McGonagall.” He answered, closing his eyes, as though he’d decided to change subject at the last second.

“Oh”

“Rem?” Sirius called for him again.

“Yes, Sirius?”

“Are you still with Karen?”

A point-blank shot, right when he didn’t expect it.

“Why?” Remus asked.

“I don’t know. When you’re with her, you close yourselves off in your books and leave us on our own. I miss my nerd. I was checking you on the Map.” He answered, an honest and disarming smile on his face.

“We do not close ourselves off in our books.” Remus grumbled, sticking his hands in his pockets, forgetful of the weight on his right leg.

While putting his hand in his pocket, he touched Sirius’s face in a soft and light caress. He withdrew his hand at once, embarrassed. Sirius barely opened his eyes, looking into his friend’s. He shut his eyes just quickly. No need to pay attention to what was really going on.

“You do. Karen is a bitchy Ravenclaw that forbids me to copy your homework because the two of you studied together. That’s not fair. We’ve known you longer. She has no right over you just because she’s your girlfriend.” Sirius mumbled.

“Well, maybe she just wants you to learn something on your own.” Was the brilliant reply Remus managed to come up with.

“Rem, the only thing that girl wants is showing how superior she is to everybody else, and sticking her hand down your pants, but only if you’re done with your homework, of course.” Sirius argued. “Which would be fine, if she wasn’t such a pain.”

Remus didn’t reply. His relationship with Karen was very casual. She had done all the work. She’d found him during one of his patrol, before curfew, of course, and had pushed him against a wall, kissing him, with no chance of running away. After that, they’d been all over one another, but it was nothing serious, for neither of them.

Suddenly Sirius stood up, taking off his cloak. He also took off his shoes and tie. He was unbuttoning his shirt when Remus stopped him.

“Sirius, what the hell are you doing?”

“I want to swim in the lake.”

Remus looked at him as though he’d gone mad.

“You know, I may even be okay with it, except that the lake is full of mermaids and grindylows, not to mention the Giant Squid. Also, the water is frozen cold!” Remus exclaimed, looking at the other boy in the eyes.

Because, no, Remus, could _not_ take his eyes off of Sirius’s. He was starting to ask himself all the wrong questions. Such as: “when the hell did Sirius get those arms?” or “has quidditch done that?”.

“It isn’t that cold! You just need to get used to it! And yes, maybe some critters may give you the creeps but they never really get close the banks.” The other replied, taking off his trousers.

Sirius didn’t wait for Remus to answer, and just threw himself into the lake in his underwear. He got completely under water, to wet his hair too to avoid feeling too cold. It worked. The wind wasn’t that cold as it was already late Spring. Sirius thought it was all very… pleasant. He turned to Remus.

“Hey, Rem! Why don’t you come too?”

No reply.

“Rem, are you there?”

Remus, actually, was looking at him blankly. As a matter of fact, he was pretty stunned. He couldn’t really fathom the fact he had such a stupid friend.

_And a beautiful one at that._

No, not the right thing to think about at the moment.

“Come on, Rem! You’re a Marauder too, after all! After way too much, maybe, but you need to fight for your honour!” Sirius shouted at him. Who was sodding right. He was a Marauder and a Gryffindor, and honour and pride were peculiar sins of his noble house.

Remus quickly stripped and got into the Lake. He also got to his friend, who was looking at him with a strange smirk on his face.

“Nice, Rem. Tomorrow’s lesson is ‘how to skip class and not feel guilty’”.

“The water really feels great,” Remus replied, changing the feeling surrounding the lake. He was in the water up to his chin, his eyes closed, and Sirius thought he’d never looked as… soft. He kept on watching his friend. He stopped only when Remus finally opened his own eyes, shaking him off from his contemplation.

“Karen and I broke up.” Remus said, looking at the sunset.

“Why?” Sirius asked, strangely feeling a little bit lighter.

“Because it’s really annoying when you copy my homework. But what’s even more annoying is feeling guilty because I didn’t let you copy. But what really annoyed the most is that Karen asked me to choose between you and her, as if she was really important for me. I’m not swapping some common fuck with my friends.” He replied, wringing his hands under water.

He suddenly felt a collision. Yes, collision, because Sirius had just tackled him. Sirius wasn’t the cuddly type, so when he hugged he felt so embarrassed that the harder he tackled the more he wanted that hug to mean something. For what is worth, Remus thought Sirius wanted that hug to mean _a lot_.

“Siri, I can’t breathe.” He chuckled, against his friend’s scorching shoulder.

“You’re talking and chuckling. That means you’re breathing.” Sirius mumbled, embarrassed.

“Of course.” He replied, breaking the hug.

“Rem?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t settle for Ravenclaws. They’re no good for you. Gryffindors are better.” Sirius replied, smiling briefly. He got out of the lake to get back to his clothes.

Remus looked at him go, feeling a pit in his stomach. Then he smiled.

“You’re right, Sirius. _Gryffindors are better._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this fanfic almost 10 years ago. 10 years ago we knew nothing about the Marauders except what She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had written in the books. I know because I had to search everywhere for any tiny detail that could help me to write these 9 chapters. There was nothing. Just wishful thinking kept together by tape and glue.  
> I don't know why I decided to translate this work now - the original is in Italian. I'm actually editing it - a lot - adding new information, correcting names, adding characters whenever I can. But it isn't easy.  
> I'm not doing this for any particular reason. I don't expect this to blow up. I'm just doing it for myself. Cause it's nice to see myself write/translate again and publish again after so long. I missed it.  
> There are also... darkish themes in this. I wrote this fanfic cause I needed to come to terms with things myself. So most of the things that Sirius and Remus will think or say... I've thought of them or said them. So yeah.  
> Oh, I love putting Easter eggs in my stories. Karen is the woman from How I Met Your Mother Ted was in love with from college (high school?). Told you I wrote this in 2011.  
> 


	2. Letters, Pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which letters are exchanged, Remus has white-page syndrome, Sirius is sad, and James is all-knowing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: This is probably the most explicit smexy introductions in all nine chapters, which is to say, it isn't explicit at all, but you can skip the entire first part.

Don’t stop. Please, don’t stop.

_You wish you could shout, you wish you could say these very simple words, write them, even, on a wall, using that blood of yours, so pure and precious the entire Slytherin population looks at you as you walk. But you can’t. Nothing but moans and sighs escape your mouth and you even wish you could beg. Because, Merlin, you feel like a little virgin having sex for the first time. You weren’t_ this _excited for your actual first time, even if everything’s different now._

_Although, this_ is _your first time in a way. Your first time with a man, anyway. Your sexual epiphany has been one of the most stunning things that have ever happened to you. But James, your brother, accepts you just the way you are, so you know everything’s going to be alright. You can face Hogwarts, you can take Rem and kiss him right in front of the entire Great Hall, but you could never afford to lose your family just because you like boys too. Even though you’ve only been attracted to one bloke._

_“Oh, for god’s sake, Rem,” you mumble, sticking your fingers in his hair._

_Rem looks up for a second and then lowers his mouth on_ you.

And now you’re also thinking like a virgin. Congratulations, mate!

_But you can’t really blame yourself for your thoughts. It’s oblivion. It’s fucking oblivion. Ok, maybe you shouldn’t use the word fuck, given what you’re doing. Whatever._

_And when you moan more than usually, you realize something. You’ve never felt this way before. Not with the other girls. You’ve felt pleasure, and a lot of it. And maybe it’s the company, or maybe the fact that this man knows exactly what to do because that’s what he wants done on himself… but this is so much more._

_When he stops mouthing at you, because, apparently, he doesn’t want you to come this way, you grab him by the shoulders and slam him on the bed, getting him under you._

_“When did you realise we weren’t only friends?” He asks, with that kicked-puppy look of his, that has nothing to do with the man you’ve been snogging for an hour._

_You can’t believe you haven’t actually fucked with him yet._

_“This summer. When you preferred owling James and not me.” You reply, pouting, to make him feel guilty._

_“Well, I did owl you later,” Remus says, grinning._

_“Oh yes, you did. Do you remember how it started?”_

_***_

The Hogwarts’s Express had just arrived in London and Sirius Black and James Potter were already on the move to Godric’s Hollow, as they were spending their summer at the Potters’. Sirius had finally left his house to move to his real family. His only sore spot, not spending that summer with his other best friends. Wormtail was going to Spain, to his summer house, while Remus… Rem was spending his summer with his grandparents, the only people who wanted to be with him despite his furry little problem. He felt a little sorry for him, that’s all.

The days went by between quidditch matches and pranks to poor Bathilda Bagshot, who let them be since Mama Potter scolded the two Marauders enough. Sirius really liked Euphemia Potter. She was the mother he’d always wanted: the kind that, when you make mistakes, she scolds you first and bakes you cookies right after, just because you look sad. His mother was more of the “do not even think about socialising with a Mudblood if you don’t want to be burnt off the family tree” kind. No love lost in Grimmauld Place.

A couple of weeks after the beginning of summer vacations, Remus’s small owl arrived at the Potters’. It carried only one letter. James and Sirius ran to it. The young Black heir was very disappointed when he noticed his brother’s name on the parchment. He’d really hoped that letter was for him…

“Moony says hi,” James smiled.

Sirius frowned, opening his hand to get the letter.

_Stratford-upon-Avon_

_13 th July 1977_

_Dear Prongs,_

_Writing this letter, aware that you won’t be the one to write first. I know how you are with anything not pertaining Quidditch, Defence, Transfiguration, and Lily Evans. I only wish you wouldn’t forget how to hold a quill._

_I hope everything is fine at home. I can’t complain, if you’re wondering. My grandparents are kind and it’s peaceful here… I wish I could live off this silence._

_About that, I know you asked me to get there as soon as I can, but we’re going to the beach in a couple of days. We’ll still be able to owl, but I won’t be able to get there, I don’t want to leave my grandparents on their own away from home. But I can be there the week before school starts. We could go to Diagon Alley and there’s also a full moon. I know I will miss you in a couple of days._

_So, I’ll go back to my books, and you can go back to whatever you were doing before Dorian interrupted you._

_Sincerely,_

_Moony_

_PS. Say hello to Sirius._

***

Sirius couldn’t believe it! He hadn’t taken him into account! He hadn’t even taken him into account at all! He had remembered about him only in the post scriptum. He angrily walked back inside, slamming the door to the guest – now his – bedroom.

James had followed him and sighed in front of that wooden barrier. He knew how Sirius cared for Remus, a little bit morbidly sometimes. Remus didn’t really notice, but Sirius felt lost whenever he was away. He’d spent the last two weeks asking about him and yet he hadn’t been brave enough to owl him. Sighing again, James went to his own bedroom, took a quill and some parchment and replied to Remus.

_Godric’s Hollow_

_13 th July 1977_

_Dear Moony,_

_I won’t even acknowledge your introduction. Although, I have to admit you are right. I really miss my beautiful red-head._

_Everything’s alright here. We avoid boredom and try to have fun. However, no need to say you like peace. We already know that, you nerd, you. Don’t study too much this summer or you will burn your brain out._

_That’s unfair, by the way. You not having fun with us. I can excuse Wormtail but not you! Even though, avoiding those two days in bed after the full moon won’t be that bad… you know I jest. I love our monthly date. Why does it sound like I get a period?_

_Anyway, Moony. Please, don’t avoid Sirius. He read your letter and was a bit upset._

_Write soon!_

_Prongs_

_PS: write to Sirius. That’s an order._

James, very satisfied of his job, folded the letter and gave it to his own owl, since Dorian, Remus’s, had already left. He lay down on the bed, putting an arm over his eyes. He hoped sooner or later those two would understand what was really going on.

***

A couple of days went by and nothing changed. Sirius was still sad and upset and didn’t even know why. The letter had been addressed to James, not to him, so there really was no reason why he should be mad. Still, he was restless. He paced in his room, he didn’t pull pranks, didn’t sass. Which was starting to get James a bit anxious.

That afternoon James got his reply.

_Stratford-Upon-Avon_

_18 th July 1977_

_Dear James,_

_I’m always right. I have knowledge and experience on my side, I could never be wrong._

_Anyway, are you mad? There’s no such thing as studying too much. Do you, or do you not want to become an Auror? You’ve been annoying me since you were eleven, now you HAVE to. At the risk of taking your place and sitting for the exams in your stead. No, I would probably never be able to do it. Not sure I’d be able to break that many rules, but I can still help._

_Ah, almost forgot. Monthly date, eh? Got something to say?_

_As for Sirius… James, I have no idea what to tell him. It’s the first time something like this happens to me. I grab some parchment, I write the date, “Dear Sirius”… and nothing else. Don’t you dare laugh. Or I’ll come there in the night to strangle you. I’m being honest, so please don’t mock me._

_And don’t let Sirius read this either or I’ll neuter you!_

_Sincerely,_

_Remus_

_PS: the last line is a warning, not a threat. A wizard forewarned is forearmed._

***

James laughed. And yes, Moony was right, Sirius wouldn’t have wanted to read that. But he was sort of caught by surprise by something. Remus stood to writing like Dumbledore to philosophising. He was very talkative on paper. Something must have happened for them not to be able to talk to each other.

_Godric’s Hollow_

_18 th July 1977_

_You’re an asshole, Remus. You don’t deserve greetings. And for the record, I don’t need your help to become an Auror. It’s in my blood, I’ll get into the Academy once they take a look at me._

_And I do have something to say to you. I’m so very attracted to boys. But you. You, Moony, are on another level. Our love will be sung in songs and written in books and talked about forever. Please. I do love green eyes, but not on you, my friend._

_Jokes aside… has something happened between you and Sirius? He hasn’t talked since your first letter and you seem unable to write to him. If you need help, please, talk to me. Uncle Jamie is always ready to help. It’s unlike you not to know what to write and unlike him not to know what to say. So, please, be kind, and talk to me. And try owling him, even nonsense, so that he knows you haven’t forgotten about him._

_Bye, asshole!_

_Prongs_

***

_Stratford-upon-Avon_

_19 th July 1977_

_Ah, so our long-hidden love has finally come to surface! Am I supposed to find that as funny as I do? Because I cackled for three hours straight._

_As for Sirius… I have no idea what is going on. He’s been acting strangely for a while now. I thought he was a bit sad, which might seem fair, but I don’t think it’s just that. Jamie, please, help him. I tried writing to him, again, but I got rid of the parchment. Again._

_Sincerely,_

_Remus_

_PS: I wish I were there, but I can’t apparate and we’re travelling as muggles. Kill me now, Prongs._

***

_Godric’s Hollow_

_19 th July 1977_

_Ok, then, I’ll talk to Sirius. Just make an effort. Hell, just write “hi, Sirius, bye, Sirius”. Bloody hell, Moony, you’re a Gryffindor, even though you tend to forget it. There is a reason you’re a Marauder too. Behind those giant books of yours, there is a beautiful criminal mind. So, get off your arse and owl him._

_Sincerely,_

_Prongs_

_PS: I swear to Merlin, I will stun you if you don’t buy me a drink once you get your Apparition license._

***

James sighed once again. It was time to stop his friend’s silent treatment. He left his room to go to Sirius’s.

“Padfoot, are you there?” he asked, knocking gently.

James heard a grunt coming from behind the door, which he took as assent.

“Hey, how are you?”

“It sucks.” Sirius replied.

“Would you like to tell me why?”

Sirius sighed, sitting up on the bed. “I don’t know, James. I’ve been this way for a while. I thought it was regret over Regulus… but that’s not the only reason. I can’t… I can’t talk about it and Remus… Remus is the only one who never asks. I’m tired, Jamie. I’m tired of everything that is going on and he knows. He understands and never pries. And I’ll always be grateful for that because I’ve never been able to say no to him. Merlin, James, what is happening to me?”

James’s look was half unsure half admiring. He’d never heard his friend talk this way. He was wearing his heart on his sleeve.

“Sirius… you can talk to me. You can talk to your asshole friend. I mean… I pretend I don’t care half the time but I would die for you, for my best friends. Sirius, Remus didn’t forget about you. He’ll owl you, just give him time. He’s been going through stuff himself.” James responded, placing a hand on his friend’s shoulder.

James had a bit of a theory. But he also knew that asking Sirius whether he liked Remus would have been his friend’s death sentence. That is to say, he needed to understand what he meant by ‘liking’ anyway.

And then, the only thing that might have distracted him. An owl pecking at his window. This time the letter was addressed to Sirius, so James decided to leave him on his own, smiling at him. The young Black scion opened up the letter, with a strange grin on his face.

_Stratford-upon-Avon_

_19 th July 1977_

_Dear Sirius._

_Merlin, I have no idea what to write. I hope you’re fine and that you aren’t too mad because I wrote to James first. This is probably the 40 th time I’ve had a quill in my hand trying to write you a letter._

_I know that everything sucks for you right now, Sirius. I know you wish you were in a room full of fragile things to break with your own hands. To throw against a wall, like muggles, maybe. You’re right. You should. I know you know why I know. We’ve never needed too many words, the two of us. I know you’re confused, even if I don’t understand about what. I know you wish you had some answers but I can’t be the one to give them to you._

_I miss you. I miss you like crazy. I miss you more than anyone else – don’t tell Prongs but that’s true. I don’t understand why but I know that the full moon can’t come soon enough this August. I promise to write again soon, no matter what. Even to just say “hello, I care about you”. Because I can’t bear the idea that you’re sad because of me._

_Love,_

_Rem_

_PS: see? I signed as Rem! You’re the only one who calls me that… talk to you soon, Grim!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus would have thrived in Dark Academia. No, I will not elaborate.


	3. By the Light of the Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A future career, a full moon, a revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: a bit of internalised homophobia by Remus, mentioned attempted suicide of an owl, mention of an inflatable doll.

Afterwards, _you realize you’ve never felt this_ content _in your life. You smile, as Sirius puts his fingers on your hand. And you can’t do anything else but hold it because,_ damnit _, you’ve never done anything so wrong that felt so right. And it’s been almost three years since you two started having sex with girls and yet you know that for the first time in your life it wasn’t just that._

_Most people think of you as the less Marauder, less than Peter, even, but they don’t know you always leave the bed as soon as you can. Just because. Because you can’t stand cuddles. Not with someone you don’t care about. But Sirius, oh, Sirius is something else entirely. You want to hold him, and hold him again and maybe be held in return. Perhaps the two do not rule each other out._

Oh yes, Remus John Lupin. You are fucked. In more ways than one. You are in love with your best friend.

_In love with a boy. He’d never really thought about it. He hadn’t even thought about being in love with Sirius during the summer, as he kept owling his friend. He hadn’t even thought Sirius might fall for him, not even unconsciously. Because Remus was sure theirs was love._

_You try to think. You try, but Sirius’s hand that slowly brushes your hair and strokes your shoulders and your arm in a kind and gentle and almost unaware and automatic caress is driving you mad. It makes you want to start over._

_You sit up to look into his eyes. He has intense eyes, Sirius Black. His grey eyes get right into your soul and push into you, right into your heart. You lay a hand on his face and he smiles, lightly closing his eyes, as he loses himself in what the both of you are feeling._

_He leans to you for a kiss, using his tongue, fast and sweet and hot against yours. You hold on to him tighter, fastening your arms around his neck. Just because you can. He does the same, holding on to your hips. You can taste the possessiveness in his hold. And you like it, damnit._

_You like it because he’s always made you feel this way. Under scrutiny, maybe, but accepted, cared for, loved. Even, and especially maybe, when you least deserve it. Even when your lycanthropy turns you into a monster, he accepts you for who you are and never lets you feel bad. He makes you feel loved. And in those nights, you feel so much closer to him, more than to the other Marauders. Probably due to your animal sides, or probably because he still has those ridiculous grey eyes even as a dog._

_You smile against his mouth as you think about the full moon before school. Then he moves his mouth to your neck and you can’t really focus anymore. And yet, that night…_

_***_

Remus Lupin’s summer had been quite difficult. Being away from his friends had been hard, particularly because his friends had not given him a moment of peace. Dorian, his poor owl, had had enough. The last time he’d sent him off with a letter, he’d attempted suicide via crash to a muggle lamp post. But his grandparents and he had finally returned from the seaside. He could finally join James and Sirius.

Sirius. All those letters had made that summer wonderful and complicated at the same time. Padfoot had constantly kept him up to date: about his day, about his thoughts. He never used too many words, but Remus knew what those letters actually meant. Sirius was unhappy. In spite of everything, he was sad. And Remus couldn’t really do anything about it as he was miles and miles away.

Remus shook his head, tightening his grip on the handle of his bag, which he’d enchanted so that he didn’t need to carry lots of luggage to Hogwarts. On the steps of the Potter house, he knocked on the door, waiting for the oncoming storm. James opened the door and welcomed his friend with a huge grin on his face.

“Moony! Godric, we missed you!” he tackled him, “Pad, get down here!”

Remus chuckled seeing Sirius’s face at the top of the stairs in front of the entrance. Padfoot looked _so_ embarrassed. Remus had never thought such look could exist on his friend’s face.

“Well then, Sirius? Don’t you want to greet your old friend?” Remus asked, smiling at him.

Sirius grinned in return, running and tackling him just like James had, maybe with a touch more feeling.

“I missed you, Rem.” He said, scratching the nape of his neck.

“So did I, Sirius. How are you?” He inquired, feeling blood rushing to his face.

_Weird, absolutely weird._

“Fine, well, better.” The other replied, with a vague and embarrassed smile on his face.

James was observing them both, feeling a little proud of his friends. They probably would have never understood what they were feeling, but he knew. He knew and yet he couldn’t talk. Talking wouldn’t have helped them, seeing that neither of them had realized they had _that_ light in their eyes when they were looking at each other. The same light he had in his own eyes anytime he looked at his Lily. He was watching them exchanging pleasantries and grinned because, seriously, it was so obvious. He grabbed them by the neck and brought them inside, pushing them to his bedroom.

“So, Moony, how’s your furry little problem?” James asked, trying to distract the other two, who were entering in their own little world.

He was _not_ going to be excluded in his own home, goddamn it!

“Bad. You know how it is. It’s tonight, so I’m restless as hell. Annoy me and I’ll bite you.” Remus threatened him, a sadistic smile on his face.

Sirius chuckled. He was more and more convinced of the fact his Rem was a sadistic little shit who hid behind his clean-cut, nice-guy persona. Godric, he was so proud of him!

“Thanks, Padfoot. Your best friend bullies your brother and you laugh. Fine! Two gifts less to buy this Christmas!” James huffed, dramatic as always.

“Well, now I’m biting you on purpose! What did he give us last year?” Remus asked Sirius.

“Oh, yeah! What was it? An inflatable doll? Merlin, Prongs, as if we actually needed that.” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Hey, I didn’t know it’s used for that! I thought muggles use it not to feel lonely in their homes!” James replied.

“Oh, screw you,” the other two snorted.

The day happily went by. Euphemia Potter kept telling Remus he was too thin, stuffing him till he was full. Fleamont – “Call me Monty” –, however, had asked about his future. The other two Marauders had started paying attention too at that point. Remus was the only one still undecided about his career. He dabbled into too many things to actually make up his mind.

“I’d love to teach, I think. I can really picture myself in front of a bunch of screaming children unwilling to learn while I scold them.” He said, embarrassed, keeping his eyes on his plate. “Also, considering the fact I’ve been teaching these two these last few years at Hogwarts, I’m used to dealing with lunatics.”

They kept on chit-chatting. Sirius weirdly peeked at the werewolf now and them, sometimes admiring, sometimes thoughtful. Word after word, joke after joke, night came. The time had come for the boys to turn into Moony, Padfoot and Prongs.

They’d decided to make use of a cave in the woods surrounding Godric’s Hollow, big enough to fit a werewolf, a stag and big dog. They moved there after a quick dinner, taking a sudden desire of camping as an excuse. James was stretching his legs as Prongs, as Remus and Sirius were settling things inside the cave.

Remus had already changed clothes, putting on a rutty pair of shorts – just enough not to be naked.

“So… a teacher, uh?” Sirius asked, drawing attention to himself.

“Well, yeah… yes.”

“What? You haven’t told me anything about it all summer, I want all the juicy details!” Sirius demanded, a firm smirk on his face.

“Fuck you.” Remus rolled his eyes. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever had any other choice. Between you and James… all your talk about Defence, ‘look how good I am at disarming’, ‘I’m better at stunning’… seriously, you drive me insane. But… you made me fall in love with it and I wish I could share this love with some other people, some other students.”

“You will. You read through the entire library in what, two or three years? If they don’t get you, I’ll personally protest to the Headmaster!” Sirius replied, as they both sat down against one of the walls of the cave.

“Well, Dumbledore could say no, don’t you think? I mean, in my condition I’m not exactly the best person to be close to kids and their screaming parents.” The other guessed, a bit forlorn.

“Hey, it’s Albus Dumbledore we’re talking about, isn’t it? He’s the most tolerant person I know! He built you a house for your transformations! It must mean something!” Sirius responded, giving him a pat on the shoulder.

“Yeah, maybe.”

Sirius couldn’t figure out why, but he really, _really_ wanted to hold him and kiss him on the top of his head. Had Rem been a girl, he wouldn’t have hesitated one bit. But he wasn’t and they were friends it would have been… awkward. So, he just smiled sadly at him.

“Everything’s going to be alright, Rem. I promise.” He said, closing his eyes as he leaned his head against the rocks of the wall.

Remus didn’t reply. He just put his head between his knees as he prepared himself for the pain of the transformation. The night had come and the moon was almost at her fullest. Sirius sighed, focusing to transform himself in his dog side. At the same time, Prongs got into the cave, butting heads with Padfoot, who was barking in fun. Remus wheezed in pain, as the bones in his arms and legs broke. Sirius got closer, yelping sympathetically. Moony weakly smiled, laying his head on the dog’s, who lovingly licked his cheek. The dog finally got away just long enough for his friend to fully transform into a wolf.

Sirius would have given anything to take his friend’s place. He wanted to suffer in his place, he wanted to be the one to be cursed. He thought it unfair how someone as good as Remus had to go through something like that. He hated seeing him this way. He hated seeing every single cell in his body stretch and turn. He hated Fenrir Greyback for what he had done. He hated seeing those big and deep green eyes turning amber as his pupils turned giant. He hated seeing him suffer. He huffed. Remus had turned into Moony.

Padfoot stood up from the corner where he was crouching and tried getting closer, slowly. Moony had started growling. It was the time right after the transformation when the wolf overcame everything else, and nothing could distract him. Prongs tried to stop him, but Sirius snarled at him, asking him not to. The stag raised his head, allowing him to get closer.

Remus was biting himself. Padfoot whimpered, in empathy. When Moony turned towards him, growling, Sirius didn’t let that intimidate him and just got closer, his head low to the ground, close to his paws, submissive. Remus suddenly calmed down, as though he’d gathered that the dog in front of him was his best friend. So, he sat, like a _good boy_. Sirius jumped to him, lightly biting his neck, making him bark happily. Padfoot showed him his teeth, in a canine smile, then licked his face.

Prongs was petrified. They usually waited a while before they actually joined Remus during the full moon, seeing that, even though they were aware their friend would have never hurt them, they didn’t want to put him into the position to potentially harm them. But he should have figured that their presence would have saved their friend many scars. Sirius had been more observant than them in this too. He’d realized that to show him he was still Remus, no matter his form, he needed to rub their love in his face.

James was watching them and didn’t know whether to be scared to death or smile like an idiot, despite being an animal.

_They were snuggling._

He couldn’t describe what they were doing anyway else. Padfoot was nibbling and licking Moony, trying to soothe his wounds. He was nuzzling him and cuddling him and hugging him. Prongs watched them all night long, and all night long he kept on making himself a promise.

_Two months. Two months at most. If these two aren’t together by then, I’m locking them in a room until they’ve talked. You mark my words or my name isn’t James Potter!_

_***_

Remus woke up yawning, lightly massaging his temples. He hurt all over. He hurt deep into his bones, but he didn’t feel too scratched up. Though he had bitten his arms. He checked them up, noting how they looked better than they usually did. He’d looked way worse. He noticed a black dog’s head on his chest and smiled. He never remembered much of full moons but that night had been different. He’d felt Sirius so much closer. He lovingly scratched behind his friend’s head, making him whimper a little, as he kept on sleeping. His grin faltered when he realized he was still naked. He frowned. He felt a bit awkward. He got up gingerly and put on the jeans he’d hidden in a little alcove James had dug in the wall. Speaking of which, where the hell was James.

“Hey,” a friendly, very sleepy voice said behind him.

“Good morning, Sirius.” He replied, scratching his head.

“How are you?” The other asked, rubbing his neck like he did as a dog.

Remus grinned. Talk about fate in the name.

“Not fine, but better than usual. Thank you. You know, for last night.”

“It was my duty.” Sirius mumbled, feeling strangely embarrassed.

“Sirius, why did you…”

The question was interrupted by James, who entered the cave carrying a tray full of cakes, pastries, milk and tea.

“Good morning, people! The sun is high in the sky, birds are singing, owls are bringing the post… oh, you’re awake. I thought I was going to catch you in compromising positions.” Potter huffed, jokingly.

“God, why are you all such morning people? I hate you all!” Sirius groaned, hiding his head between his knees. “I want to sleep for the next three days! And what the hell do you mean with compromising positions?”

James smirked, shrugging. “Nothing. Never you mind. I just now understand why you didn’t appreciate the inflatable doll last year. That’s all.”

“Shut up and eat, James. You’re getting ridiculous.” Remus replied, defending Sirius.

Sirius glanced at him and Remus winked.

They had breakfast as James kept on with his innuendos, which were luckily ignored by the other two. Once finished, James got everything together to get back home. Remus was standing up to follow him when a hand to his wrist stopped him.

“What were you about to ask before?” Sirius asked, keeping his head down.

“Nothing, really.” Remus replied, blushing.

“Rem, come on.” He was urged.

“Why did you do all that? You’ve always done a lot for me but last night… last night…”

Moony felt so self-conscious.

_And Sirius still hadn’t let go of his wrist._

“I hate seeing you suffer in nights like the last one. I hate it when you bite yourself. I hate it when you harm yourself and I can’t do anything about it. It was about time I stopped being so passive.” He whispered, finally letting go of him.

They looked into each other’s eyes for a couple of seconds, then Sirius looked down and went past his friend, getting out of the cave.

_I hate seeing you suffer._

And Remus smiled again. In spite of all.


	4. First Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bath, a prank, another prank, a nice chat, an epiphany.

_You sigh in the boiling-hot water. You lower your eyes to the brown-haired head on your shoulder and kiss it, hoping to send everything that you feel through that kiss. You feel him sigh and lightly caress your forearms. You get out of the water just barely, so your back is against the wall behind the bathtub. You take a deep breath._

What can you say when you find out your best friend, who is a man just like you, is the first person you’ve ever fallen in love with?

_This question keeps running through your head, despite what has already happened between the two of you. But Remus stands up, or not, he’s on his hands and knees and you can see his body above the water and the bubbles. You watch him as he takes the lead and kisses you. With no reason to. Just because he can, you suppose. You kiss him too and go back into the oblivion only this big bad wolf can bring you into._

_"I love you.” He says, a breath away from your lips and you want to_ die, _because you felt every letter on your mouth._

_But you can’t answer. You’re not rejecting what you feel for him. You’ve heard dozens of girls say those very same words, but you’ve never felt the same way you feel for the boy you’ve always, innocently enough, named “your Rem”, not really wondering why. But there’s so much hope in his voice, so much trust, fear, worry, but also so much… love. Even though you feel like you never really knew love before him. You kiss him again, hoping to reciprocate through actions instead of words._

_"I love you”. He repeats. “Please, say you love me back. Please.”_

_You look at him as a strange heat in your chest takes your breath away. He’s so… bloody Remus. A boy that never asked nor wanted anything material. Just affection. You’re so similar and yet so different. Maybe he’s been even through worse than you have. Because you’ve never really known parental love. He had 5 years with his parents before losing them because of his curse. You raise a hand to his face, to caress his cheek._

_“Do you think it’s even possible for me not to love you back?” you ask him, resting your foreheads together._

Goodbye, masculinity. It was nice while it lasted. Not that I much cared for you in the first place.

_Remus looks intensely into your eyes and then holds you tight. You hold him back and bury your face in his shoulder._

_“Did you ever think one day we would end up here, naked in a tiny bathtub together?” You ask, smiling against his skin, to kill the tension._

_“Not really. But…” He replies, chuckling._

_“But what?” You wonder, looking into his eyes._

_You discovered that this boy is quite resourceful_ and _imaginative in bed. Though, outside of it he’s still shy and easily embarrassed. You grin. This is one of the reasons why you like him so much._

_“None of your business.” Remus says, blushing and getting out of the bathtub, closing a towel around his waist._

Sadly _._

_You follow him and wear a bathrobe over your underwear._

_“I hope you aren’t running away from me.” You tell him, a firm grin on your face._

Thanks, Blacks’ genes.

_“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He answers. His blush is getting to his neck._

_“Rem, come.” You say, holding him from behind and putting your chin on his shoulder._

_“What do you mean by that?” He asks, and this time it’s your turn to blush._

_“Stop it, Rem. But What?”_

_“Well, do you remember our first day of school this September?”_

***

It was strangely calm on the Hogwarts Express on September 1st 1977.

_For the first time in six years._

It was official. That was the last year of school for the Marauders and it was going to be _magical_. And not only because they were wizards. They were going to become legends. Which is why everything had been planned down to a tee.

It had all began at the beginning of their third year. The year before Evans had let out she hated toads. What was Potter – as irrevocably besotted as he already was – supposed to do but fill Snivellus’s and her compartment with toads, enchanted to follow her around?

Then it had only been a matter of research, stakeout, illegal trafficking of objects of their classmates’ fears. And their professors’. Even Dumbledore approved. They’d seen him smile behind those glasses more than once after some of their pranks in the Great Hall. Sure, McGonagall kept them in detentions for weeks, but school was such a bore…

So that morning it was eerily quiet on the train. No pranks yet, and the other students feared one word was going to wreak havoc.

The Marauders, however, in their compartment, were laughing at everybody else. They could smell fear, and as the train went, they were trying not to crack up whenever someone came up to their compartment to see what they were up to. Seeing them stop, watch and run away was extremely funny.

“Is it going to work?” Peter squeaked.

Remus raised one of his eyebrows. He’d been the one to think of everything. Of course, it was going to work. It had been quite complicated, more than usual anyway. And it had required semi-illegal disapparations…

“Of course, it’s going to work. My pride’s at stake.” The werewolf replied.

“Rem is growing a pair.” Sirius chuckled, laying down on the seats and putting his head on Remus’s legs.

“As if you didn’t like it.” James whispered, a mischievous smile on his face.

“Touché.” Sirius replied, covering his eyes with an arm.

“So it’s going work.” Wormtail figured.

“So it’s going to work.” Rem nodded.

***

A couple of hours later, the train had just stopped at Hogsmeade. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, otherwise known as the Marauders, shared a moment. They took their broomsticks and waited for the screams to start.

“Aaaah!” came from a girl or a horror movie.

“Let’s go!” James said, a grin on his face. He took Peter with him, leaving Remus to Sirius, who winked at the werewolf.

They got out of the train between Stunning spells and Unforgivables. Then looked down at the platform. Quicksand. They’d turned the platform into quicksand. As a start. The rest was going to start once the Express got there, so the surprise wasn’t ruined.

“Potter!” A familiar voice screamed at Prongs.

“My sweet Evans! Do you like our welcoming prank?” He asked, winking.

“Of course, I do, Potter! It’s so funny I can’t breathe!” The girl growled.

_So adorable_ , James thought.

“Come on, Lily, it _is_ funny. But I can stop…” He whispered, getting closer and lending a hand.

“Not in my life! But come on, _James_ , why don’t you get rid of this spell? I’m Head Girl, I might get you expelled.” She said, batting her eyelashes, like the little minx that she was.

James laughed and swished his wand to end the first part of the prank.

“You know what, Evans? If I was expelled… I feel like your life would be a lot more boring.” He breathed a touch away from her lips, before flying towards Hogwarts, followed by his friends.

Behind James, to watch the second part of the prank unfurl, Remus was holding onto Sirius so tight he was having troubles breathing.

“Rem, what’s going on?”

“Nothing.” Remus mumbled.

“Rem, are you ok? Because I know you hate flying…” Sirius said, chuckling.

“I _do not_ hate flying. I’m scared of heights.” The other huffed against his friend’s back.

“Keep on telling yourself that…” Black replied. “Come on, I’m getting a bit lower so you’ll feel better, ok?”

“Ok.”

Sirius shook his head, smiling, as he made his descent. He should have figured his pig-headed friend was going to feel sick, despite being the one who had proposed using their broomsticks to avoid the quicksand. But he _was_ stubborn and that was the quickest way to escape. But he couldn’t understand how someone could be so masochistic to propose to do something that scared them to death. Even though it was a very ‘Rem’ thing to do.

He sighed, feeling the other boy’s arms loosen their grip on his waist. Things with Remus had become weird. Weird _weird_. Sure, James’s innuendos were not helping his mental health, but that was _his_ Rem. Nothing else he could do. Rem, on the other hand, was not helping at all. He wasn’t doing much, but sometimes he caught Moony while he was watching him in way a boy was not supposed to look at another boy. And yet he couldn’t feel sorry if Rem was paying him a bit more attention than usual. Remus John Lupin was his best friend. Period.

Remus, however, was right in the middle of some emotional conflict behind him. That last week at James’s had been so absurd. Between James’s innuendos and Sirius’s glances, those days had turned into a limbo. He knew what stood behind him but not what was going to happen in the future. Especially after that day.

The werewolf turned towards the street connecting the school and Hogsmeade and saw the first carriages. He leant against Sirius’s back, then cast an Impervius on them both.

The second part of the prank had been inspired by something they had seen a couple of muggles doing. James had thought it was so funny they had to include it too. So, once all carriages stopped and the students touched the ground… an avalanche of water balloons fell on their heads.

Sirius felt Remus’s laugh against his back and couldn’t help his smile. That’s why he decided it was time for his Rem to shake off his fears.

“Rem, close your eyes.” He gently ordered.

“Why?”

“Trust me.”

Remus closed his eyes and tightened his hold again. He felt the broomstick rise in the air again and move fast. It was almost pleasant when he couldn’t see. The wind in his hair, the muscles in his legs flexing to keep the balance, feeling free to go wherever. Feeling free to be whoever. In that moment he wasn’t Remus John Lupin The Werewolf. He was just Rem.

A couple of minutes later they stopped.

“Open your eyes now.” Sirius whispered.

Remus obeyed. The sight took his breath away. It was beautiful. They were a couple of miles away from Hogwarts, but the castle was still magnificent, with her towers and her pinnacles and her gothic architecture. The school, shrouded in twilight, was truly incredible. Maybe more beautiful than usual. The boy took a look around, only then noticing he was… several meters above the grounds.

“Wow,” he said. Sirius chuckled.

“See? It wasn’t that bad.”

“Right. I just needed _you_ to see I shouldn’t be afraid of a little bit of height.”

“Glad I could be of service, Messer Lupin.” Sirius said very formally, but with a smirk on his face.

“Hogwarts is beautiful.” Remus said after a while.

“I agree. It’s the first place I could actually call home.” The other replied.

“It’s our last year.” Lupin went on. “Then school will be over and we…”

“We will still be us, Rem. Seriously, do you really think Jamie will ever leave us be? I bet when we’re ninety years old and all old and wrinkly, that guy will keep on bugging us, talking about how beautiful Evans is, with her snow-white hair.” The other replied, lightly lowering his head.

In his head, he was very used to repeating that answer. Because deep inside, he did agree with Remus. School gives a sodding false sense of security you feel you will never lose. Hogwarts feels safe, because there’s friends, there’s professors, there’s Dumbledore. But what about next year? School was going to be over and they were going to be part of a war they all hated.

“Take me somewhere, _anywhere_ , Sirius. Please.”

He didn’t have to ask twice. He started flying again, knowing Rem was keeping his eyes open this time. He flew towards Hogwarts, to his home. He took his friend on top of the Eastern Tower, on the terrace, then got out of the broomstick and leant against the balustrade. Remus sit down beside him, then took his knees to his chest and put his chin on them.

“Thank you.” Remus suddenly said.

“For what?”

“You noticed my compartment in the train our first year. I would likely be lonely in the Great Hall by now had I not met you.”

Sirius laughed.

“Do you honestly think we wouldn’t have been friends if we hadn’t met then?”

“I’m sure of it. James and you have been thick as thieves since the very beginning. You wouldn’t have made friends with the nerd otherwise.” Remus grumbled.

“True. However, we still would have shared a dorm.” Sirius retorted.

“Wrong. What if I’d ended up in Frank’s dorm?”

“We would have met in class.” Black replied, happy with his answer.

“Nope! Wrong again! Remember? I’m a nerd, you aren’t…” Remus responded, figuring out the game.

“Rem, stop it! Stop it, I can’t even imagine a world where this didn’t happen. I can’t think about how you might believe you wouldn’t be our friend. How you wouldn’t be _my friend_.” Sirius said, glancing at the other.

Remus froze, gaping. And lowered his eyes, embarrassed. Ok, he didn’t know how to reply to that. He didn’t know what to say to that beautiful idiot, especially because _he’d_ been the idiot this time around. He decided to do yet another unexpected thing that night. He took off his cloak, then lay down on the ground and put it on like a blanket.

“Rem? What are you doing?” The other boy asked, confused.

“I don’t want to go to the dorms.” He mumbled.

“What?”

“You got it. I don’t want to go.”

“But why? Oh, come on! Did I upset you?” Sirius asked, standing up.

“Not at all. I just want to be alone for a while.”

“Uh uh… weren’t you worried about this being our last year at Hogwarts?”

“Leave me alone.”

Sirius sighed. Then took off his cloak, lay down beside Remus and covered himself with it.

“Sirius, what are you doing?” Rem sighed.

“I don’t want to go to the dorms.” Padfoot mocked him.

“Oh, _come on_!”

“No chance. You are not going to get rid of me. Even if it means spending the night in the cold. We’ll be the first to visit Madame Pomfrey.” Sirius grinned, turning, so he was showing his back to his friend.

“So you want to stay here.”

“I do.”

Remus sighed, turning too. A couple of minutes later he was already asleep.

***

The next morning Remus woke up strangely warm. There was something around his neck and under him. He slowly opened his eyes, before realizing he was warm because of Sirius. During the night he must have crawled to him, laying right beside him. Then Sirius must have done the rest, holding him close. The werewolf looked at him with a shy smile on his face. His Sirius…

He put a hand on his face, with no idea why he was actually doing it. Sirius groaned in his sleep, holding the other boy tighter. Remus whimpered, embarrassed. He could barely breathe. He tried sneaking away from him and a couple of moments later he managed to do so without waking up his friend, who was snoring anyway.

_Sirius is beautiful, isn’t he?_

He felt ashamed for his thoughts.

‘He’s a boy, for Merlin’s sake!’

True, Sirius is a boy. Sirius is a boy. Sirius is a boy. How long had he been repeating that in his mind? Maybe too long. Sirius is a boy but it was going to get detrimental to his own health denying all that evidence.

_You like Sirius._

Not like a person likes a friend. He liked him like he was supposed to like girls. A little bit more than he was supposed to like girls, maybe. But Sirius, well… Sirius was _Sirius_. He didn’t care he was a boy, or a girl or a hippogriff or a wildebeest. Just Sirius.

He got a little closer, to caress his face.

_It’s Sirius_.

Merlin, he was so stupid. So that’s why James kept on making all those innuendos. His friend had realized everything before they did… as usual, after all. The vainest of them all, James Potter, at first sight, but always the most observant one.

Sirius yawned, distracting the werewolf from his inspired ramblings. Remus got away. He didn’t want to get caught.

“Rem, where are you?” he asked, reaching around him.

“I… I’m here.” He mumbled, blushing.

_Perfect! And back to first-year ramblings we go!_

“Oh. You’re awake.” He said, realizing his friend had gotten some distance between them.

Remus thought he looked so _cute_ as he rubbed his eyes to shake sleep off. And as his tongue wetted his dry lips that still looked soft. Well, he was. He was… soft and fluffy. To kiss. And bite. And lick.

‘Stop!’

“Yeah, _I woke up._ ” He said, more to himself, really.

“Is everything ok?” Sirius asked, noticing the strange look in his eyes.

“Yes, sure.” He replied, with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

Sirius made a weird face, sceptical, then stood up and took the broom.

“Can we go now? We should go to the bathroom before breakfast. I don’t know about you, but I need a _long, boiling-hot_ shower.” He said, covering himself in the cloak.

“You go. I need a couple of minutes. See you in the Great Hall.” Remus replied, a kind smile on his face.

His friend nodded, then went into the castle through a trapdoor. Remus sighed, leaning against the balustrade of the terrace on his elbows and putting his hands in his hair.

_You’re a coward, Remus._

‘As always, after all.’ He replied to his inner voice.

He knew he was never going to do anything to deal with it. He couldn’t do anything. Sirius was his best friend. Sirius was his best friend and he couldn’t lose him just for a stupid…

_Crush. Call things by their names, Rem._

No, he couldn’t! He couldn’t just go to Sirius and say ‘hey, you know, I have a crush on you, what do you want to do about it?’. He just couldn’t.

He wouldn’t.

_You’ll suffer,_ his inner voice said.

‘It isn’t anything I’m not used to.’

_Is it worth it?_

Remus actually thought about it. Was it worth it? Was it worth it, pretend that everything was fine when it wasn’t? Could he actually pretend around Sirius?

Sirius.

If Sirius knew, he would be so disgusted by his own best friend. So disappointed. And Sirius would hate him and would never want to see him again.

_So, better friends than nothing?_

‘Yes,’ Remus replied to his inner voice. ‘Better friends than nothing at all.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points if you know where the love confession from Remus come from.


	5. Just Another Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is jealous, Sirius is stupid, James is done. Peter is so confused, but what's new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Remus has a potty mouth in this chapter and he slut-shames a girl. And Sirius. He's really jealous.

_You sit down on the bed that has appeared for Sirius and you in the Room of Requirement and try to hide the blush that must be reaching your feet by now. Not to mention that you aren’t wearing anything but a thin towel. Sure, he’s more covered up than you are in his bathrobe, so you feel a bit braver. You manage to look at him as he gets closer, but don’t really know what to think about the way he’s looking at you right now._

_“So, are you going to talk or not?” He asks, sitting down beside you._

_You start to swear and curse in your mind. How are you supposed to form coherent thoughts with him torturing your neck with his mouth and his tongue…_

_“Sirius, stop. Please.” You beg him, holding back a groan but still holding on his hips._

_“Why?” He’s pecking on the sensitive skin behind your ear._

_“Just because.”_

_“Rem, use your words. Why do you want me to stop?”_

_You swear you hate the absolutely maddening way he presses his grin against your skin._

_“Because I hate you! It’s bad enough I get covered in fur once a month, I don’t want to sound like a moaning puppy in front of you! It’s embarrassing!” You concede, covering your face with a hand._

_“Sure, but you’re a moaning puppy_ because of me _, not_ in front of me. _Ergo, I think this is incredibly_ hot _.” He chuckles. “Also, you haven’t shared your perverted fantasies yet. Even though, I must admit, I find it hard to believe you have the mind for it. So, I’m curious.”_

_“Oh, come on. You can’t make me say those things!” You beg him._

_“Then let’s do them!” He replies, a very serious look on his face._

_“What?”_

_“Let’s do them! You won’t have to talk that way.”_

_“I can’t believe you!” You reply, hitting him with a pillow. “Besides… well, I think I did most of it_ before _.”_

_“There must be something you didn’t do.”_

_“Actually, I think there are two things I didn’t do.” You tell him, blushing again._

_“Uhm, what?” He asks, his eyes getting a bit brighter at the prospect._

_“May I?”_

_“You are at liberty to do whatever you want to do with me.” He kisses you._

_You distance yourself a bit from him, thoughtful. You look into his eyes and untie the knot keeping together his bathrobe, taking it off. You just notice he had the decency to put on some pants. You push him until he’s lying on the bed and then you turn him, so he’s on his stomach._

_“You have dimples on your lower back.” You whisper, sitting back down._

_“I know. Many other people have told me before you.” He replies, chuckling._

_You frown. Jealousy isn’t something you’re really used to. Being jealous of Sirius is so something you never expected to be._

_You caress his back with both hands and you’re the one holding back the smirk this time. You love seeing people getting goose-bumps. You put your thumbs on his dimples and go back to caressing his back, with your hands, with your mouth. And as you go back to those dimples, your hands grip his hips and your mouth kisses his right dimple first then his left._

_“Rem…”_

_You chuckle, breaking away from him. Sirius turns around, then_ jumps _you to just kiss you._

_“What the hell.” He says._

_“Well, one day you got out of the bathroom with just your trousers on. I saw your back and… please, you promised we wouldn’t be talking about it.”_

_“Ok, but if I’m not mistaken, you had_ two _pervy thoughts in your head.”_

_“Oh, well. You don’t want me to do_ that _, believe me.”_

_“Why?” He asks, raising an eyebrow._

_“Because this fantasy consisted in wearing you down with sex and then sticking a knife right between your shoulder blades.” You huff._

_“How macabre… well, you’re right. Not really interested. I mean, the first part? Totally on board. The second part? Never been that masochistic. May I ask, though, why you wanted to kill me via sticking a knife, which I’m presuming was going to be very big and very_ very _sharp, between my beautiful shoulder blades?” He asks, joking._

_“As if you didn’t know.” You mumble._

_“If I knew, I wouldn’t be asking, don’t you think?”_

_“Ok, fine. You only need a name:_ Amy Fawley _.”_

***

Three weeks had already come and gone since the first day of school. By then even the laziest students had gotten used to it and some of them were even thinking about offing themselves just to avoid homework.

That morning James Potter was smashing his head against the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, befuddling many of the people there for breakfast. Remus had a smirk on his face that promised _blood_ ; Sirius was cackling, making James want to hit his own head harder or stun his brother. Peter was just plain confused.

“Please, Moony! I will fail! Then I won’t be an Auror and I’ll never get Lily nor make babies with her!” Prongs cried out, making Sirius choke he was laughing so hard.

“Fuck you, Potter!” Lily Evans huffed, blushing.

“Yes, sure, whatever.” James replied, massaging his forehead. “Remus, please! McGonagall is going to kill me!”

“Good for her! You had two whole weeks for that project! You can’t always wait until the last day to get things done! Even Sirius has already done something for it! I mean, you love Transfiguration!” Remus replicated.

“There was Quidditch! I had to train the new team, I didn’t have time! Please! I won’t copy, I just want to take a look to get an idea of what to do. Pleeeeeaseeee!” James said, pouting.

Remus cursed once again. His friends were impossible.

“Ok, fine! But I want to check, ok? If even one of your lines sounds mine, I’ll cut off your head.” Remus threatened him.

“Oh, you’ll look it over too? Ah, I love you, my sweet Remus!” he shouted, hugging his friend, who shoved him off, huffing.

“Well, _I_ don’t love _you_.”

“Of course, you don’t. You love someone else!” James stated, a radiant grin on his face.

“Oh, will you stop? You’re so annoying!” Sirius said. He’d stopped laughing and was now disintegrating his scrambled eggs.

“What’s up, Sirius? Jealous?” James teased, still making sweet eyes at Remus.

Remus cursed again at James’s face. Since he’d realized he was… well, not gay, but certainly attracted to – and with a huge crush on – Sirius, he’d started to mentally curse every time the person who had created their merry group of friends opened his mouth. And the fact that he couldn’t really ask “Uncle Jamie”, as he’d proclaimed himself, to stop was driving him mad.

Since the beginning of school James’s jokes had gotten worse, so Remus had adopted a very simple strategy. He was in the library more often than not and sat in the first row in class, where his friends would never sit. The only results he’d achieved had been getting disgustingly high grades – even for him – and eyes that followed him everywhere. Sirius had asked for explanations more than once but Remus had just shrugged in reply. He was still convinced about not talking and he was going to die on that hill. He wouldn’t be the first person to hide his feelings.

“Well, while you’re fighting, I’m going to class. See you later!” Remus said, standing up and grabbing his bag.

“Oh, wait, Rem. I’ll come with you.” Sirius said, abandoning his plate.

“No, it’s ok. See you. Just take your time to finish.” Moony replied, a smile on his face that wouldn’t reach his eyes.

Sirius sighed, sitting back down on the bench. Remus was blatantly avoiding him. Since that night out, his best friend had been more and more strange. And he couldn’t understand why.

“He’ll get over it, don’t worry about it.” James said, drinking his glass of pumpkin juice.

“So, I’m not the only one who noticed he’s been strange lately.” Sirius sighed.

“No, you aren’t. You haven’t noticed something else, though.” James smirked.

“What?” Padfoot asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Not up to me to say. We should really go to class, though. Almost everyone’s already left.”

Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs left the Great Hall, to go to Transfiguration. Remus was already in the first row beside Dorcas Meadows. Peter and James sat together, leaving Sirius on his own.

“Excuse me, may I sit here?”

Sirius turned towards the girl who’d asked the question. He knew her. Amy Fawley, Hufflepuff. Fringe member of a fringe member of the Sacred Twenty-Eight. Not that he cared. Still. She was hot. She’d never really fawned over him like the other Purebloods at that school, and she’d never been with James either, but she _did_ have a certain reputation. Her _very short_ skirt seemed like a good sign.

“Sure.” Sirius smirked.

He made space for her on the desk and she sat down, crossing her legs. His smirk got bigger and he got a hand through his hair. It was time to kick off school. He turned to James, who was looking at him with a raised eyebrow. Sirius replied shrugging.

Amy and Sirius spent that class talking and smiling. Exchanging fake smiles, wanting for more. Something that Sirius was waiting for.

Once the bell rang, Sirius didn’t have the time to stand up that Remus ran away from the class. He never noticed, though, that despite his hand was holding Amy’s, his eyes were looking for his.

***

Another week passed. And even the most oblivious people had realized something bad was going on in Gryffindor House. Something had happened between the Marauders and nobody dared say a word. The fact that even Lily Evans was getting worried showed how serious the whole situation was.

Peter Pettigrew was the only Marauder who didn’t really have a clue. He was used to James being a lunatic, but not Remus, who was usually calmer and laid back. The fact that Sirius wasn’t talking to James, or rather, James was avoiding Sirius, was messing him up. Even James’s innuendos had stopped. Remus was glad, obviously, but their friendship wasn’t as happy.

“Let’s go, love.” Amy Fawley said, holding out a hand to Sirius.

Sirius stood up, taking her hand and leaving. The boy hadn’t even realized she’d tightened the grip so hard his arm was in her chest.

“Cunt.” Remus grumbled, destroying his plate of baked potatoes.

“I concur.” James mumbled, messing his hair to satisfy his physiological necessity.

Remus sighed. He knew this was going to happen. He knew Sirius couldn’t live without. But he hated the fact that Amy Fucking Fawley even _breathed_.

“I’m going to the library. See you in the Common Room” Remus said, grabbing his bag.

“Ok.”

Jamie said goodbye with a sigh. Sirius always seemed to take a thousand steps back after a very small step forward. He thought he was on the verge of finally becoming a man, but Sirius had screwed up big time, especially with Remus. His brother had disappointed him a little.

When Sirius went back to the Great Hall, it was almost midnight. Even James had gone to bed. Not Remus, though. That boy had probably closed himself off in the library to get ahead of the next month worth of homework.

“Fuck it!” he cursed, sparking the fire with his rage.

Everybody seemed to be mad at him since he’d started seeing Amy. Problem was it wasn’t anything different from what he’d been doing the years before. So, really, he couldn’t understand why everybody was so mad at him. Ok, so James hadn’t started picking up girls yet, but that’s only because he didn’t like it anymore. But what about him?

Sirius huffed, throwing himself on the couch in front of the fireplace. He didn’t like that game anymore either. Sure, sex was good, but… he didn’t feel anything anymore. He didn’t feel the spark, he didn’t even smile anymore. At first, he’d used sex to get the affection he’d always lacked from his family. He was always replacing girls to find love, the kind of love that would grant him his own family, where he would be accepted and loved just like anybody should.

It had taken him some time to understand he was never going to find that kind of affection. Maybe because those girls were only looking for one-night-stands or maybe because they were trying to change him. The only real _family_ he had were James, Peter, and Remus. James was the loud brother he’d always wanted Regulus to be, Peter was the insecure little brother to protect and Remus was… Remus was Remus. He sighed again.

He closed his eyes, tired.

“Why are you still awake?” Remus asked, getting into the Common Room.

Sirius turned, looking at him oddly.

“I was waiting for you.” He replied, seriously.

“Really?” Remus joked, holding the books he’d brought from the library tight to his chest.

“Yes, really. Please, I just want to understand.” Sirius mumbled, getting a shaky hand into his hair.

“There’s nothing to understand. Go to sleep.” The other replied, making his way to the dorm.

“No, I’m not going. Not before we’ve talked. What’s the matter? I tried to understand but I can’t, Rem.” He said, standing up. “We’ve been friends for six years. You can’t just avoid me.”

“I’m not trying to avoid you.” He answered, turning his back on Sirius.

“Yes, you are. And it’s driving me mad! What’s wrong?”

Remus struggled against his answer, which burst out of him. He was tired. He was so tired of keeping everything inside. He needed to say something, anything, or he the wrong thing was going to come out of his mouth.

“You are. You are my problem, Sirius.” Remus sighed, trying to leave.

“Why?” Sirius asked, grabbing his arm and knocking down the books.

Remus huffed, annoyed, bending over to grab the books

“Why, Rem? Is it for Amy?” Sirius asked, extending the books he’d taken from floor to his friend.

“No, it isn’t for Amy. It isn’t _just_ for Amy. It’s for you and Amy.” Remus replied, clenching his fists. “Let it go, Sirius. I’ll get over it. Sooner or later I’ll get used to the fact that my friend… that my friend is a dickhead that has no intention whatsoever of growing up. Good night.”

Sirius was so in shock he couldn’t feel his own heart break, it missed his Rem so much.


	6. Screaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angry Sirius, Confused Sirius, Jealous Sirius, Scared Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: fatphobia, Pureblood racism, bit of internalised homophobia, mentioned wish to self-harm.

_You talk for a while longer, Rem and you. You like talking to him. Maybe because he’s one of the few people you actually feel comfortable with. Maybe because he can get into your head easily. Maybe because you aren’t ashamed of him. Yes, you do like talking to him. You like seeing the faces he makes when he judges a little too harshly, the guilty tone in his voice when he teases James after his jokes, his flared nostrils as he bites his lower lip, lost in thought, as always._

_You also like watching him study. You like annoying him in the library, you like seeing him frown at a particularly difficult section, and you want to go there, to smooth that little frown with your thumb. You often laugh when, while he’s reading one of his big old books, he gets his ink-stained quill through his hair. Mostly because once he realizes what he’s doing, Remus curses, because he knows he’s going to have to use half a bottle of shampoo to get rid of the ink. James’s shampoo, of course, since he thinks getting Prongs mad is too funny._

_You realize you also like watching him sleep. You chuckle because Remus “sulky sleeps”. Which highlights the little black spot on his left cheek, that is almost invisible, but that you always knew was there._

_You look away, wetting your lips, as you often do when you want to hide you’re embarrassed._

_Because, yes, after all, it is bizarre knowing that Remus is so jealous. Sure, so are you, you’ve always been, long before you realized you wanted him_ this way _. But it’s one thing to be jealous of your friend because you don’t want him to end up with some common bitch, it’s another thing altogether to be jealous of Remus because he’s your boyfriend now. Since you’ve never really had a girlfriend in your life to begin with._

_But Remus being jealous is something that really surprises you. Remus is usually so calm, placid, and reasonable. You’ve never really seen him freak out, not even during his transformations. But knowing that he’s jealous of you, that he was jealous of you while you were with Amy… well, it’s interesting, really. Not that it was anything more than sex. Not that you wanted anything more from her. But she was good at letting you vent. At first, at least._

_You laugh, because, really, you probably would have never realized how you feel for Remus without her. You should thank her. Again._

_***_

Amy Fawley was one of the few girls at Hogwarts that could actually consider herself lucky. She was beautiful, so much to turn the heads of both the male and, why not, the female students as she walked through the corridors. Just because she liked being looked at. She had auburn hair, slightly curled at the tip, at the waist. She loved her hair because she could play with it and attract the attention of the boys she chose. She liked her cerulean eyes, since they looked deep, even when the only thing she wanted to do was sticking her tongue down someone else’s throat. She was tall and thin. She was part of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, which allowed her to fuck whomever she wanted, with no Slytherin ever daring to call her a whore.

She hated when people called her that. There were a lot of men, too many really, sleeping around at Hogwarts. There had been Lucius Malfoy when she was only a first-year, and there were the Marauders now, but nobody went around calling _them_ whores. They were leaders, they managed to get whomever they wanted with just a glance and a crooked smile, and they always knew what they wanted.

She really couldn’t understand why her Housemates and the other girls called her a whore just because she liked sex. That was internalized misogyny and she was really tired of it. Moreover, she wanted to enjoy life before she became Lady Rosier. She wanted to have fun before marrying a man she would never love, who was only going to serve a madman. Lucky chance, she was going to spend the entire Rosier’s Gringotts vault and he was going to blow her off.

However, what she thought was fun didn’t lighten what she felt in her heart. She’d had sex with many, many people and yet nobody had managed to get behind the mask she’d built for herself. Not very Hufflepuff, her conscience always stated. But nobody actually knew why she’d intentionally asked the Hat to sort her there. That old thing wanted to get her into Ravenclaw. As though she actually wanted to study. She was more curious about people than about her wand.

And then, the perfect challenge: Sirius Black. She’d discarded Pettigrew beforehand, too short, too shy, too fat for her to be interested. And she’d ruled out Remus Lupin, who always looked too serious for a teenager. That left her with James Potter and Sirius. She’d observed them a lot before she made a decision and she’d even talked about it with some of her Housemates. And every one of them had advised against Potter. He had a crush on Evans, apparently, a common Mudblood, as though the Potters could truly allow that type of union, with Black and Peverell blood in their veins. So Sirius had been her only choice. And for once, settling for someone wasn’t that bad a deal. He was also showing her the Castle in way no other had ever done before.

Amy took a look around in the Room of Requirement. Sirius had arranged a date for them in that room. Again. Not that she cared for him, but she felt like… like he wanted to keep her hidden. She hadn’t put an end to it yet since _he was_ good, at her own level at least. He didn’t need to feel like a god like the rest of his peers to be good in bed. He already _knew_ he was good.

Amy turned her head when the door opened, showing a very sexy, albeit frowning, Sirius. The girl sat down on the loveseat in front of the door, crossing her legs and putting on a teasing smirk.

“Hello, Sirius. Took your time today, eh?” she said, looking at her red-polished nails.

“Leave me alone.” He hissed, jumping on the couch to her right.

“What is going on, honey?” She asked him, pouting.

“Aren’t you tired of living a lie?” He huffed.

“What are you talking about?” She sighed, knowing that if he wasn’t done… well, no sex.

“I don’t know! I just know that yesterday Remus, my best friend, the guy that always bugs me because he wants to study, the one that never wants to play chess because he has homework, the who _drives me crazy_ he’s so masochistic, well, that guy! That guy told me I’m a just a brat!” Sirius snapped, jumping up.

“Oh, really?” She asked, twirling a lock of her hair between her fingers.

“No! His exact words were ‘you’re a dickhead that has no intention whatsoever of growing up’! Can you believe him? He just said that because of our relationship. What the hell is the matter with him?” He shouted, throwing a pillow to the other side of the room.

Amy followed the pillow with her eyes then glanced down to the other boy.

“Do you care?” She asked, unmoved.

“What?”

“Do you care our relationship consists of mindless sex?” She asked, uncrossing her legs and sitting more comfortably in her loveseat.

“Of course, I don’t care! I mean, I don’t care much about _you_ , with all due respect.” He frowned.

“Fine, because I would be missing this past-time. You’re fun in bed. A lot more than you are with your twelve-your-old pranks. With all due respect.” She retorted, sarcastic.

“I don’t see the point of you question, Fawley.” He replied, ignoring her taunts.

“Why do you care if your _best friend_ does not approve of your sexcapades? And ‘best friend’, god, you’re such a poof! Shouldn’t your best friend or simple friend, or whatever, be happy about you having a friend with benefits?” She asked, shrugging.

“Hey, hey, hey! First of all: to be friends with benefits, we’re supposed to be friends first!” Sirius replied, raising an eyebrow.

“Touché.”

“Also, I’m not a poof. It’s ok having best male friends. He cares about me. We are…”

“Keep talking. You’ll sound less queer than you probably are.” She teased, chuckling.

“What the hell is your problem? We’ve been having sex for weeks now. I’ve never heard you complain.” Sirius growled.

“And I won’t. But have you ever wondered, Sirius? Are you queer?” She asked.

Sirius didn’t answer. He just glared at her, breathing from his mouth.

“Because, to be honest, I knew I liked girls more than boys when I was five. It doesn’t change anything. I just know I’ll have to marry some guy I will never love that I will have to fuck so I would rather have fun now before they put shackles on me.” She continued.

“What?” Sirius asked, recovering after ‘I liked girls’. “You fucked me even though… even though you like girls more? Merlin, are you insane?”

“Hey, no need to insult. Never said I _didn’t_ like you. I’m just stating facts. I’m not saying you’re queer, even though, honestly, honey, people saw you and Lupin taking a bath naked in the Black Lake last year. I’m just telling you, you need to figure out what you want. Then you’ll be able to grow. This is what you want, isn’t it? You want Remus Lupin, your best friend, or rather, the person you deem as such, to see you as a grown-up, don’t you? So, be brave, Little Black, and find what you want.” She stated, still pretending to be unmoved.

The girl tried to hide a small smirk on her face when the other boy ran away from the room. Then treated herself to that, figuring that her yearly good deed had been well-spent for once.

***

Sirius Black was running. He was running like he’d never run before. Fast, away from that foolish temptress. And with her questionable sexual desires. He went past the Great Hall, the entrance and the courtyard dividing the school from the Forbidden Forest, then pushed himself against a tree trunk and screamed at the top of his lungs.

He hated it all. He hated his life. He hated himself and his nature. He hated Amy Fawley.

He’d always hated being an impressionable kid. He often dwelled on past mistakes and most times the desire to stick a knife into his own heart just to forget everything was so strong he hurt himself in other ways just for the distraction. Now he was going to think about that conversation with Amy for the rest of his life.

He punched the trunk again and again, scratching his knuckles on the bark, bleeding. He didn’t want to entertain certain thoughts. He didn’t want to be… that. He didn’t. He wouldn’t.

He got away from the tree, opening and closing his fists to check whether he’d broken bones or not. He didn’t need to visit Madame Pomfrey, luckily, but he still cast ‘ferula’ on himself, to protect the throbbing scratches.

He was not going to think about anything. To the point of casting ‘obliviate’ on himself, he was not going to think about his _obvious_ attraction to Remus. Sirius closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He hoped he was doing something right for once.

***

Time at Hogwarts was passing by between classes, homework, sleepy nights. After Amy Fawley and Sirius Black broke up, everyone was expecting the Marauders to go back to their glorious days. They were hoping for it, even. School had become quite boring since their fight. Remus spending all of his time in the library, Sirius in a relationship, his breakup, their separation… nobody could stand that situation anymore.

It was a quiet afternoon. Sirius had spent some time at Hagrid’s, before going back to the castle. He went through the ground-floor corridor, the one that brought directly into the winter garden, hoping no Slytherin was there to smoke illicit stuff.

The boy rolled his eyes, thinking that weed was probably the only thing that could actually bring Purebloods and muggles together. 

Sirius sat down on the bench under an archway to a small green space. He put his back against a pillar and lit up a cigarette. He was really trying hard not to think. Trying to hide, trying to protect himself.

He knew that if he allowed his mind and his heart to act the way they wanted, he would be sucked into a hurricane of pain and he would never come out of it.

Shrill laughs and bags against doors distracted him from his thoughts. He knew those laughs very well.

“Oh, come on, Rem! We’ll be late!”

_Rem. She’d called him Rem. How dared that little…_

“Come on, Lils! Just a little longer!”

_Lilian Evans. He knew she couldn’t be trusted. She_ had _spent way too long with Snivellus, after all._

“Please, we’ve been here all afternoo… oh, hey, Black. What are you doing here?” The red-haired girl asked, changing her tone when she saw Sirius.

“That’s not true, we haven’t… Sirius? What are you doing here?” Remus asked, getting out of a classroom with _very_ messy hair.

“Hello, fellas. Just having a smoke. You?” Sirius asked, as nonchalantly as possible, glaring at the other boy, who looked down embarrassed.

“We… nothing.” Remus replied, turning to the girl. “Lily, please, go to the Great Hall. I’ll see you in a bit.”

She simply nodded, before glaring at Sirius, who just raised an eyebrow at her as he exhaled the cigarette’s smoke.

“So, you’re with Evans now? Please, I want to be there when you tell Jamie. I want to enjoy the show.” Sirius said, putting the fag out and making it disappear with a flick of his wand.

_Jealousy. Pure jealousy. Jealousy in his veins, in his brain. It’s poison. A good poison. It makes you realize who you care about and who you can’t lose._

“It’s not what you think.” Remus replied, torturing his hands.

“It isn’t? Shit, Rem, Jamie. You do remember James, our best friend? The guy that made us friends? He’s been crazy in love with her for five years! Don’t you remember we’d promised each other we would never hit on her? Fuck, Rem, James doesn’t deserve that!” Sirius growled, standing up.

“What the hell is wrong with you? I’m not sleeping with her! I know James’s in love with her and I would never do anything with her. Slughorn just promised us some points in exchange of some homework and potions. There’s nothing between us.” The other boy defended himself. “Also, that’s really offensive to Lily, you do realize that, don’t you?”

“Oh.” Sirius replied. He didn’t really care about that. Well, he did. He was happy James still had a chance with Lily but in that moment he only had one feeling. He just felt…

_Relief. So much relief._

More than he should have. He shouldn’t have felt this much relief just because his brother hadn’t been betrayed. He realized he’d felt this much relief only that day he’d discovered Remus had broken up with that Ravenclaw. When he’d found out his Rem was single and free.

_Realization_.

It was always him, wasn’t it? Him, and only him, the only person capable to make him understand just how much someone could care about somebody else. Him, the only person that could change his mood with just a few words. The boy that had made him feel miserable for two weeks that summer, just because he didn’t know what to write in a stupid letter.

“You idiot.” Sirius hissed to himself.

“What? Sirius, is everything alright?” Remus asked, putting his hands on the other’s shoulders.

Sirius startled a little at that, feeling a light electric shock from Rem’s hands.

“Yeah. Yeah, I am.” He replied.

“You are? You are what?” Remus asked, perplexed. “Sirius, are _you_ alright?”

Sirius took a second before replying.

“No, I don’t think I am.” He sighed. “Sorry, see you at dinner.”

Sirius adjusted his cloak as he turned around to leave.

“Sirius.” Remus called after him.

“What?” He asked, stopping but still looking straight ahead.

“I missed you.” Remus murmured, looking down.

“So did I.” The other replied. “Sorry. See you.”

Remus Lupin nodded, even though he knew his friend wouldn’t see him.

His friend was running to the Forbidden Forest, trying to keep some of the sanity that seemed to want to leave him forever. He screamed once again. He screamed until his throat started to hurt. But once silence fell in Forest, an old marvel was shown once more: the smile of a boy in love.


	7. Accepting the Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is a saint. Sirius make peace with himself. Jily. Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Internalised homophobia (a lot) - like seriously, guys.

_You wake up slowly, savouring everything you’re feeling right now. You feel like every part of your body is detached from the other but you sort of like it. There is no light in the room, but you can feel his eyes watching you intently. You’re remembering what happened yesterday. Of course, you are. You could never forget it._

_“Sirius, please, don’t look at me. It’s unnerving.” You say, keeping your eyes closed but with a smile growing on your face._

_“Fuck this.” He mumbles, brushing your hair away from your face and making you sigh._

_“I expected a better answer than that, Mr Running-Through-The-Whole-School-Looking-For-You.” You reply, still sleepy but chuckling._

_“Well, I’m sorry, but I slept less than three hours last night. You snore.” He hisses, giving you a dirty look._

_“Sorry.” You pout, sitting up._

_“Oh, come here.” He says, putting a hand at the nape of your neck and pulling you up to kiss you._

_You smile against his mouth. It still feels strange, but, bollocks it all, there is not a single thing that you would change. You’re too happy to realize that this might seem wrong. The only thing you’re sorry for is not being able to kiss him in public. Which makes you sad, really, because love is supposed to be love, no matter the form. But in this school, in society, it’s easier to accept an arranged marriage than two men kissing._

_You frown, remembering something you didn’t make clear yesterday._

_“You never told me why you started seeing Fawley, by the way.” You mumble, making a face._

_He chuckles and it pisses you off. Just a bit. The rest of you is blushing, because, really, the boy in front of you would be sexy wearing a flannel pajama and a high fever, but when he’s half naked… better let it go._

_“Are you jealous, Rem?” He asks, batting his eyes and pouting._

_“Jealous? Me? Absolutely not.” You reply, sweetly, putting on your poker face. “If I ever catch you with anyone else, and I don’t care whether it’s a boy or a girl, I will hang you down by your_ dick _from the Astronomy Tower. Am I being clear?”_

_“Crystal.” He smiles, raising an eyebrow._

_“I’m still waiting for an answer.” You state, glaring at him._

_“It’s not exactly an easy question to answer.” He frowns. “It’s just… being with her was so_ easy. _Pretending to be someone I’m not, just because I’ve been that my whole life… that was easy. Being with her was as easy as breathing.”_

_“Being with me is difficult, though.” You murmur, lowering your eyes, as you torture the hem of the sheet._

_You see him looking at you in surprise, then he puts his hands on your shoulders and pushes you onto the bed, getting you under him._

_“No, being with you isn’t easy. It isn’t easy at all. But the fact that we’re both boys has nothing to do with that.” He states, pointing his grey eyes onto yours. “It isn’t easy, but I think it can’t be when you find out you like your best friend. Being in love at all wasn’t in my plans.”_

_You widen your eyes at his words. “Why?”_

_“I didn’t believe I could love. My whole life, the only affection I’ve ever received was that of my friends. I’d never fallen in love. And I tried and tried and tried again, so much I thought I was going to become one of those people who live old and alone in their house screaming at kids to get out of their property.” He says, blinking fast, maybe to keep tears away. “I’ve slept with so many people, Rem.”_

_You shush him, caressing his cheek, and frown, knowing you could forgive him anything. “I don’t really care about your past, Sirius. I never did. And I don’t believe for a second you can’t love. That’s bullshit. You’re one of the most passionate people I know, Siri! You put mind, body and soul in everything you do. I could believe the contrary, that you love too much, but don’t tell me you don’t feel anything. That would sort of be an insult to everything we are, don’t you think?”_

_Sirius just looks at you with watery eyes before he kisses you again. Silly Padfoot. How can he even think he doesn’t feel anything when one of his kisses makes you feel this way?_

_“Merlin, I wish I could always do this.” You mumble, when he stops kissing you abruptly, as he does, leaving you all warm and… excited._

_“Do you mean in the Common Room or in the Great Hall? I’m game.” He replies, kissing your neck. As if it wasn’t already covered in hickeys._

_“What?” You ask him, pushing him off a bit._

_“What, what’s wrong? I thought you didn’t want to hide.” He says, smiling._

_“No, I don’t. But are you sure it’s ok?” You ask him, as grin grows on your face._

_“Sure, it’s fine. I don’t care. The only person I did care about was James. And he thinks it’s fine.” He replies, holding you tight._

_You smile, basking in the quiet after the storm. You really think if James Potter didn’t exist, he would have to be invented._

_***_

Sirius Black rarely felt fear. He rarely felt his body shaking in goose bumps or out of breath because of the adrenaline. His disregard for rules and his thrill for new adventures were only small consequences of his failure.

But. There’s always a but. Everyone gets scared sooner or later. Of something irrational, maybe, like the dark, bugs or flying. Or maybe something stronger, something deeper. And much more dangerous. Because when you can count the people you care about on the tips of your hand, how can you not fear you will lose them too? And for what?

For love.

That very same love that could drive you right into the arms of one of those few people, can also drive you mad. It drives you away, because, really, what else can you take? How fair is it you have to suffer and suffer again when all you want is to love and be loved in return? You can’t still suffer when suffering is the only thing that life has offered so far.

Sirius sighed, sucking down smoke. He was in the Astronomy Tower, as always. His second home, by now. He was spending more time there than in class. He’d even started to actively do his homework. He sighed again, putting the fag out with his boot, then lit another one.

“You should really stop. The reek of cigarettes is fucking awful, mate.”

Sirius turned to that friendly voice. James. He couldn’t lose James. That was his brother, damn it all. Why did he have to ruin it all and make James hate him?

“It’s the only thing that calms me down. Even though they don’t really work anymore.” He replied, curt.

James didn’t replicate, he just leaned against the doorpost with his shoulder, crossing his arms.

“How did you find me?” Black asked, tired of his silence.

“With something called the Marauders’ Map. You remember it, don’t you? You were there when we made it.” The other replied, raising an eyebrow.

“Of course, I remember. I thought I had it in my cloak.”

“You don’t. I took it this morning at breakfast. You didn’t even notice.” Jamie huffed, making a face.

“Look, what do you want?” Sirius sighed.

“I just want to talk. It’s been two months since the last time the four of us have been together. You aren’t around anymore. What’s the matter with you?” The other snapped, glaring at him.

“Me? There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it! Trying to hide it doesn’t mean nothing’s wrong. Damn it, Sirius, I thought we were friends!” James hissed.

Sirius turned to the window, flicking the cigarette. He took a pause, then started speaking.

“You want to know what’s the matter with me?” He asked, barely breathing. “The matter is… that for once, just for once in my fucking life, I wish I was just like anyone else. I wish I was a normal, stupid, idiotic guy nobody knows. I wish half the school didn’t turn around as I walk, I wish there were no expectations pushed on me, I wish I wasn’t the fucking Blacks’ scion! I wish I was a muggle, a very normal, very quiet muggle.”

James was looking at him with questioning eyes, so Sirius went on with his tirade.

“I wish I was like anyone else. I wish I could look at myself into the mirror and say that there’s nothing wrong with me. That there’s nothing wrong with what is happening to me. But I can’t, Jamie. I’m scared. For once in my life, I’m truly scared.”

“What are you scared of?” Prongs whispered, getting closer to his friend.

“I’m scared of losing you! I’m scared of losing you all!” Sirius replied, putting his hands in his hair.

James sat on a desk, looking at Sirius.

‘So, he did figure it out.’ He thought, hiding his smile.

“Sirius, do you remember what we promised each other our first year?” He asked, an indulgent look on his face.

Sirius didn’t reply. He just blinked, annoyed.

“We promised we would always be there for each other. Remember now?” he asked, waiting for an answer that never came. “Sirius, you can talk to me.”

“No, I can’t. You can say whatever you want, but I _know_ you’ll leave. You’ll leave, Peter will leave and Remus… I don’t want you to leave. I’m not sure I could handle that, James.” He replied, finally looking at his friend.

“Sirius… you like a boy, don’t you? I mean, you like a boy like you’ve liked girls before?” James asked, kindly.

Sirius gasped, confused and terrified. How the hell did _he_ know?

“Ah, Padfoot… I’ve told you about a billion times. Don’t underestimate me. I mean, I know I act like a dick most of the time, but I’ll always be there for my friends. And you are the big brother I never had. Do you really think I wouldn’t notice?” He asked, sensing the question in his brother’s eyes.

“You… you’re still here. How are you still here?”

“You are my brother. My brother _by choice_. If you honestly think I’ll leave you alone in your cloud of misery just because you’re in love with another boy… well, you’ve got another thing coming. I’m sorry but you’re stuck with me for a very long time.” James replied, a huge grin on his face.

Sirius couldn’t believe it. All that fear… for nothing. All that weight on his shoulders, the claustrophobia… he didn’t feel it anymore. Jamie loved him just the way he was. His brother… had accepted him. Sirius tackled him.

“Hey, hey, I can’t breathe! And also, I’m still very much straight, thank you.” James joked, laughing.

“Fuck you.” Sirius mumbled, blushing. “I don’t think I only like boys, by the way. You’re all mostly awful anyway. I’ve only liked one guy… well, he’s sort of different.”

Padfoot really hoped he wasn’t going to spill the beans. It’s one thing to say you like “some guy”. It’s another thing to say you like a guy you’ve basically shared your breathing space for six years.

“Oh, yeah. I bet he _is_ so very different from us.” James teased, chuckling.

“Hey, don’t screw with me!” Sirius huffed, who had never blushed this hard in his life.

“Are you trying to get indecent with me, brother?”

“Oh, will you stop it?” Sirius replicated, trying to smother his friend. “And… Oh, no. Please, don’t tell me. You already knew, didn’t you?”

“What? That you are madly in love with another guy. Obviously.” James said, nonchalantly.

“Oh, Merlin. That explains the innuendos…” The other murmured, embarrassed. “Hey, wait, does that mean…”

“Sirius, take the map.” His friend ordered, smiling.

“What? Why?” Black asked, weirded out.

“Because there’s someone waiting for you.” James replied.

“Who?”

“Sirius, Remus is waiting. He’s been acting the same as you for a while now. He barely sleeps in the dorm. Peter and I are almost getting used to sleeping on our own.”

Sirius widened his eyes as a smile crept up on his face.

“You mean Remus…”

“That Remus like _boys_? Not sure about that. That he’s had a crush on you since forever? Yes. He has. I’m never wrong.” James smirked.

“You’d make so much money as a muggle fortune-teller!” Sirius told him, a happy smile on his face, patting him on the shoulder.

It’s nice how the worst of days can turn into a good one with just a chat with your friends.

“Go away before I regret telling you anything!” James laughed.

Sirius winked at him, grabbing the map and running out of that class. James chuckled, getting his wand in his pocket. He always felt good when he did something right by his friends. Sirius’s smile was worth it all.

James was so distracted by his own thoughts he didn’t even realized he’d crushed against another person.

“Oh, for God’s sake, Potter, look where you’re going.”

James then realized who it was. It was _her_.

“I’m sorry, Lily. I was a little absent-minded.” He replied, lending a hand to pick up her books, which she’d dropped.

Lily Evans jolted, dropping her books again. That wasn’t the first time Potter had called her by her first name. But he was usually a bit flirtier – and stupid, really – than that. She’d never heard him say her name that way before.

“Lily, are you ok?” He asked, a kind smile on his face, waving a hand in front of his eyes.

“What? Oh, yeah…” She answered, her face turning as red as her hair. “What is wrong with you? You’ve never called my name so kindly before.”

James raised his face a little, smiling. After all, he owed Sirius and Remus a lot more than they knew. He really, really loved her. It would have been so stupid wasting any more time. He didn’t care about what other people said. He didn’t want to miss his chance at being with the love of his life because of other people, because of his reputation. Fuck that.

“Lily, for better or for worse, we’ve known each other for six years. Don’t you think we should call each other by our first names without killing each other?” He teased, holding her books and signalling her to take him where she needed to go.

“What makes you think I’m amenable to that?” Lily asked, suspicious.

“Lily.” He called after her, trying to look into her eyes. “We’re growing up. In a few months we’ll be thrown into a world at war. We should at least be able to work together, don’t you think?”

She huffed, raising an eyebrow.

“Come on. I’m being serious!” James chuckled at the disbelieving face she had.

“Come on, Potter, how am I supposed to believe you? You’ve been hitting on me since our third year! Now I’m supposed to believe you’re an angel?”

“First of all, it’s James, not Potter. Second of all: I never said I would stop hitting on you. Third of all: do you really think I’m just hitting on you to play some prank on you after all this time?” He asked, as they entered into a deserted Gryffindor Common Room.

“Of course, I do!”

“Oh, you heartless woman.” He joked, pouting.

She cracked up too, even though she didn’t exactly know why. Jam… Potter hadn’t been as annoying as usual lately. He hadn’t hit on her as hard as he had in the past, he hadn’t asked her to go to Hogsmeade together in the Great Hall as he was used to. He also seemed more… mature. He hadn’t dated anyone lately as far as she was aware and since gossip ran at the speed of light in Hogwarts… he’d been single for a while.

“May I ask why the sudden change of heart, _James_?” She asked, sitting down with him on the couch in front of the fireplace.

“Because you hate that I’m _bully_ with no soul nor heart.” He answered, seriously. “Even though, you have to admit, all instances of me acting like a bully are just me trying to defend either my friends or myself or _you_. Moreover, I don’t even want to think about the fact that I might never be with you just because I can’t seem to act like a normal person when you’re around. I’m just asking for a chance. I’m just asking for a chance to show you who I _can_ be.”

Lily looked at him as if he was speaking Martian.

_Who the hell is this guy? Where did he put the Potter who is a pain in the ass?_

“I honestly don’t know what to say.” She blushed.

“Just… spend a day with me. Just one. I’m not asking you out to Hogsmeade, mostly because I don’t really care for it anymore. I just want to... be with you. I just want to be with you and possibly avoid a restraining order.”

“Potter…”

“I don’t want to force your hand, don’t worry.” He said, standing up. “Just… let me know, if you ever change your mind.”

James made to get out the Common Room. He needed some fresh air. He never planned to spill his gut that afternoon.

“James!” Lily called after him, as he opened the door. “Saturday. We’ll study Transfiguration together.”

James didn’t reply, he just smiled like he’d never smiled before in his life.

***

Sirius was running. He was going down stairs, taking shortcuts. He _needed_ to run. He needed to run, because he knew if he stopped, he would have second thoughts and give up on Rem, on what he felt, on everything. He couldn’t give in without trying. That wouldn’t be fair to Remus. He’d seen him on the Map. He was under their tree by the Black Lake. He went through the entrance of the castle and outside.

He saw him at once. It was always him, always surrounded by books, always buried in parchment paper drowned in ink. Sirius slowed down, to calm his heartbeat.

He looked at him from afar. Being aware Remus liked him was so strange. He didn’t really have any expectations for this relationship, which was a first for him. He wanted to take thing as they came, without considering the consequences. He smiled at that brown-haired head. Rem hadn’t noticed him yet.

He got closer quietly, not to scare him off. Then he realized Remus was sleeping. He’d fallen asleep with a quill in his hand. Sirius chuckled, taking it off his hand and brushing his hair away from his forehead. The other boy woke up, feeling the fluttering of Sirius’s fingers.

“Sirius.” He mumbled, his eyes still a bit bright.

“Rem.”

Sirius was still touching his face, savouring every single sensation he was feeling.

“What are you doing here?” Rem asked.

“I was looking for you.”

Remus didn’t reply. He just closed his eyes, enjoying the tiny autumnal breeze, biting on his lip. Sirius was following each and every single one of teeny tiny moves. He caressed his cheek again and then his lips, making Remus suddenly open his eyes.

“Sirius, what are you…”

Sirius shushed him, putting his right index finger on Remus’s lips, then rested their foreheads together. He had to do it. He had to do it now or never.

Sirius touched his nose with his own, as Remus widened his eyes in surprise. Then he put his lips on the other boy’s, in a light, barely there, touch. He did that once, twice, then lightly bit his lower lip to deepen their kiss.

Remus’s hands took hold of Sirius’s face. The werewolf held the other boy’s hair, losing himself in the storm of emotions they’d both ended up in. He really hoped that kiss would never end. He couldn’t believe it was really happening. He’d hoped for so long. He whimpered lowly when the other boy suddenly moved away from his mouth. Sirius had an unreadable look on his face. He was still looking at him, as he touched his face.

“You like me.” Sirius whispered, frowning.

And _that_ Remus took the wrong way. He thought that whisper was the confirmation of something he’d never wanted to know. He now thought that kiss was wrong, was fake, just done out of a curiosity risen from his behaviour in the last few weeks.

Remus shrugged off the other boy, with accusing eyes. Sirius was confused and frowned.

“You knew.” Remus stated, as calmly as he could manage, but still clenching his fists.

“Rem…”

“No! You knew and you still did it! You… you kissed me just to prove I like you! That’s all you wanted!” Remus hissed, a couple of his pieces of parchment flying off with his accidental magic.

“You don’t give a damn about me.” He mumbled, showing him his back.

“Rem, no, you don’t get it!” The other boy begged him, grabbing him by the arm.

“Fuck you, Black. Stay the hell away from me.”

Remus picked everything up with a flick of his wand and ran away from that spot. That spot had seen him grow, argue, talk, kiss. He couldn’t be there anymore.

Sirius clenched his hands, punching the tree in front of him. Rem had run away. He’d gone away because he thought he wasn’t serious about the whole thing; as if he was just experimenting.

He grabbed the Marauders’ Map again, looking for the right mark. He would find him. He would stop him and make him think. Now that he was sure about it, he couldn’t lose the man that he loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is my favourite chapter. Just saying. I know that Sirius acceptance of himself comes from James, and that might seem wrong, but Sirius's issues with being in love with Remus are associated with his deep-rooted fear of being alone. Like, in his head there are so many scenarios playing and he knows that he needs a support system when everything will fall apart, because in his head there's no way Remus will ever love him back. But on the other hand, what if Remus loves him back and James doesn't want anything to do with him anymore? It isn't validation from James, the way I see it. It's... a love confession. A brotherly-love confession. And I stand by this.


	8. Just Fix This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Love Confession

_You realize you like this new routine. You and Remus waking up, a little kissing, a little loving, shower, Great Hall. You smile at Rem’s madness. He’s completely mad if he thinks you’ll still get to class in time._

_You laugh when he hits his head against the sink in the bathroom trying to put on his trousers. You laugh because you know he’ll get mad. And you’ve come to realize by now that this good man takes revenge on you in strange ways. Other people would punch you or Stun you, whereas_ he _threatens to spay you first then kisses you like it’s the last kiss before the end of your life. You really think it’s strange._

_You decide it’s time to end this attempt at Rem’s life getting your hands on his shoulders, which clench a bit under your touch._

_“Rem, you look insane. Relax.” You chuckle._

_“Easy for you to say! You don’t care at all! Merlin, Mc is going to give us detention for illicit sexual orientation!”_

_“Yeah, sure, as if that’s a thing. Come on!” You reply, turning him towards you. “It’s fine. It’s going to be ok. James will help. He always does.”_

_“Well, he can’t help us today!” He huffs, sticking his fingers in his hair. “Merlin, couldn’t you pick a stupid blonde with big tits like all the other guys in this school?”_

_You raise your eyebrows. Remus says this kind of things only when he’s either nervous or drunk. And he’s as sober as he’ll ever be, so…_

_“What the hell, can you even hear yourself? Also, I already told you I don’t really care for those things anymore.” You say, narrowing your eyes._

_“Why not?” He whines, emotionally exhausted. And it’s only 7 o’ clock in the morning._

_“It wouldn’t make any sense for me to settle for someone like that. I’d rather be alone. You could give me the world, Rem.” You say, horribly serious._

_“I don’t think I can give you the world. I can’t afford it and it’s not an easy fit, astronomically.” He jokes, blushing._

_“I don’t need it.” You reply, trying – and failing – not to be cheesy. “I have you, don’t I?”_

_He lowers his gaze, then looks at you and grabs your face. He kisses you, like only can._

_“Please, don’t… don’t say that.” He says, resting your foreheads together. “You drive me crazy.”_

_“I thought I drove you crazy regardless of the fact we’ve been here since nightfall, that we’ve made love, slept together and confessed our feelings for each other.” You state, nonchalantly, but with a huge grin on your face._

_“Fuck off. I’m trying to be serious, you know?”_

_“Of course, I know, Rem! I mean, I’m always Sirius, but you’re always_ serious _.” You nod, trying to avoid his punch to your arm after your pun. “Rem, everything’s going to be ok. We’re not the first and we certainly won’t be the last. Unless you don’t want to do it. Which is fine and valid too.”_

_“Mpf.”_

_“Rem?”_

_“Can we just go now? Before I change my mind?” He asks you, looking at you like a kicked puppy._

_You pat his shoulder, then head to the bed to put on your shirt and tie. You both smile as you get out of the Room of Requirement to go to the Great Hall._

_***_

_You don’t hold hands. That would be silly. Yet your fingers touch each other and linger there and you still feel that little spark that brought you here, to where you are now. You enter the Great Hall, and you both discover with dismay that James and Lily are sitting quite close together. They’re talking, they aren’t shouting and even though Lily now and then glares at James, he takes it all in strides, laughing with her. You smile because James deserves to be happy. He deserves to get what the two of you have found in each other._

_You sit in front of them, greeting them happily. Then Sirius grabs your arm, smiling at you in the Marauderly way you know so well now and you know he will try something._

_“Siri, what do you want?” you ask him, trying to keep your voice from shaking._

_“What do you think?” He replies, a crooked grin on his face._

_“Sirius, no.” You order._

_James has a very smug look on his face – he probably knows what they’ve been up to, the hidden seer that he is – and Lily looks perplexed but pleased._

_“Sirius, yes.”_

_You don’t reply. You just look at him as he gets closer, making it quite obvious what he’s about to do._

_Silence falls once your lips touch. And you’re happy, because you thought it was going to be worse. Much worse. It doesn’t matter if you kiss in public or in private, because nobody else matters._

_You smile at each other once you break the kiss. But you’re ready to face everything life will throw at the two of you. You’ll do it together._

_***_

Remus couldn’t believe it. He was running inside the school, trying to clear his head. He hated himself. He hated himself, damn it. He stopped after a while, once he got to the fifth floor. He tripped on the last step of the stairs, stumbling to one of the armours that adorned the castle. He started punching it. It was grey, as grey as the eyes of the boy that had just broken his heart. Two single tears ran down his face. He wasn’t going to allow himself any more self-pity.

He closed his eyes, relaxing his hands against the wall in front of him. He hated that boy, who was so patronising and just wanted to make a fool of him. Sirius had realised he’d been having some troubles and instead of talking to him like a human being, instead of just letting him go… he’d kissed him.

“Fuck!” He cursed Sirius, punching the wall again and again.

“Rem!”

Remus turned to Sirius growling, then turned around again and left speedily. Sirius was already following, however.

_Sirius would have followed him anywhere._

“Rem, for Merlin’s sake! Will you stop for a second? I can’t run like this anymore!” Sirius huffed, panting.

Remus grunted, getting to go again. He was not going to stop. He still had his dignity and he wasn’t going to let that bastard take it away from him.

“Rem, please, stop.” Sirius said, grabbing the other boy by his arm, still panting. “I’m not actually a dog, you know? I can’t change here.”

Remus shook him off, burnt by his touch. How could he talk as if nothing had happened between them?

“Just stay the hell away from me.” Remus growled, with more malice than he wanted.

“There’s no reason for you to be so mad at me, believe me.” Sirius stated, calmly.

“Oh, this is rich! Who the hell do you think you are?” Remus asked, punching him on his shoulder.

“Look, it isn’t my fault you took it the wrong way! I wanted to talk and you fled. I want to talk now, please.”

“I don’t want to talk. I won’t let you humiliate me anymore than you already did.” Remus replied, looking away from the other boy.

“You don’t have to talk. You just need to listen, alright? Two minutes top. Then you can decide if you want to leave or stay. Please.” He begged, frowning.

Remus pulled away, leaning against a wall nearby and letting himself fall to the floor. He was tired. He just wanted to sleep and get past that sodding day but he did need to talk to Sirius. He needed to or he would regret it forever.

“Thought you only had two minutes.” He stated, seriously. “You’re wasting time.”

Sirius smiled at no one and nothing in particular. He didn’t exactly know what to say. He just hoped he wouldn’t spout some more bullshit.

“Rem, you know who I am and how I am with people usually. You know I don’t care about anything and anyone. You know I’ll do anything to get whatever I want. You know I don’t let anyone intimidate me because I’m Sirius Fucking Black and I’m the most spoiled-rotten motherfucker in this school.”

Remus looked at him at once, disgusted. He wanted to reply, but Sirius stopped him with a glare.

“I told you not to talk.” He said drily. “I always take whatever and whoever I want. No need to ask anyone for permission. I left home with no second thoughts, I didn’t even say goodbye to my brother and, fuck, I’ve never felt any better. But this isn’t the same thing. This time who I want is too important, too precious for me to take without consequences.”

Sirius took a deep breath, looking up.

“Do you remember when we found out you’re a werewolf? Do you remember I didn’t talk to you for three weeks?” He asked, looking into his eyes, searching for his nod. “I couldn’t believe you’d kept something this important back from us, back _from me_. We’d always been close and I couldn’t believe you hadn’t trusted us with the truth.”

“But then _you_ came to me asking why.” Rem whispered, his head resting on his knees.

“Yeah. You said you just wanted to protect us. You knew we would do something stupid to help you and you were scared you were going to bite one of us.” Sirius replied, a small smile on his face. “And I mean, you were right, we did something stupid. We became Animagi just to be with you!”

“Sir, this is nice and all but I don’t understand the point.”

“The point is not all is as it seems. The point is I talk a lot of nonsense but I don’t always mean what I say. There is no filter between my mouth and my brain. I think stuff, I speak, I say the wrong thing.”

“You mean you didn’t want to say I like you?” Rem asked, sceptical.

“No, I didn’t.” Sirius nodded.

“What if it’s true? What if I did like you?” The other boy replied, standing up.

“Merlin, I’m not good with words. It isn’t that I don’t believe you like me. I do. I’m saying I should have said something else.” He huffed.

“Like what?”

“I should have said _I_ like _you_. And I’m honestly so surprised because this has never happened before. The fact that we like each other? Am I overthinking this?” Black said, getting closer to the other boy.

“No, you aren’t.” Rem mumbled.

“I just know it’s real. I don’t want to give this up.” Sirius continued, scratching his head nervously.

Remus looked at him, still sceptical. He couldn’t believe this was happening. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t tell anyone how he was feeling about Sirius, and hadn’t. Then Lily had started asking questions and the dams had broken down. Merlin, she and James would make an absolutely amazing couple. He’d still told her he wasn’t going to do anything about his feelings, though, and that was that.

Nothing could have prepared him for Sirius to return his feelings. He really hoped he wasn’t going to wake up from that nightmare, seeing as slowly, unrelentingly it was turning into a dream and he couldn’t afford false hopes. But Sirius acting so nervous and unsure of himself made him look so… adorable. He was about to give in, damn it. It was everything he never knew he wanted after all. Remus smiled. And to think he’d called him a dickhead with no intention of growing up…

“We’re growing older, eh?” Remus whispered, smiling with his head kept low.

“Well, it happens to anyone sooner or later.” The other replied, still getting closer.

“What happens now?” Rem asked, biting his lower lip.

“No idea. I don’t really care. I just want to take life as it is.” Sirius said, going right in front of the other boy.

“James and Peter will hate us.” He mumbled, resting his head against the other boy’s chest.

Sirius froze for a second then held him so tight he was scared he was going to hurt him.

“James knows about us.” He replied, smiling against Rem’s hair.

“What?”

“He… talked me in to coming here.” Sirius said, shrugging. “Ok, that came out wrong. Thing is I had not realised you like me. He told me you’d been in my exact same condition for a while so I ran after you.”

“Oh. Well, remind me to give him something good for Christmas.”

They both laughed, enjoying each other’s presence.

“I really want to kiss you.” Sirius suddenly said, resting his forehead against Rem’s, a huge grin on his face.

Remus just frowned, shuddering. Then smiled when Sirius touched his lips with his own. It was slow and careful, mindful of each other’s feelings. They both knew it was something new for the two of them. It wasn’t just a kiss. They were kissing someone important, someone they cared about, someone they loved. Remus touched Sirius’s face, then his neck, then his hair. Sirius, however, grabbed the other boy’s hips holding him tight. Their kiss soon turned passionate and hungry, and Sirius pushed Remus against a wall. The werewolf shuddered when Sirius’s left hand touched a flap of skin on his back uncovered by his shirt.

“Siri, no, not here.” Remus mumbled, against his mouth.

Sirius moved away from his mouth and to his neck, ravenous. Then Remus whimpered, completely out of control.

“You’re right. We can’t stay here.” Sirius chuckled, brushing his nose against the other boy’s curve of his neck.

“We can’t exactly go to our room, either. And don’t believe for a second I’ll let you close me off inside a classroom. I stopped having sex on teachers’ desks two years ago.” Remus replied, hitting him on the nape of his neck.

Sirius looked him in the eyes, raising an eyebrow. “There’s another solution. The Room of Requirement.”

Remus thought about it for a second, then nodded and kissed him quickly. Then slipped away from his grip.

“Hey, where are you going?”

“Thought we were going to the Room of Requirement. Was I wrong?” Remus asked, smiling.

Sirius ran to him, laughing. They didn’t hold their hands. They didn’t kiss. They just looked at each other. And it was enough. They just stopped in front of one of the huge windows in the corridor to the Room.

Twilight was covering everything and everyone that autumn day. Even, and especially, two boys who had managed to love each other despite and because of their issues and troubles.

With a kiss and a smile on their faces, Remus John Lupin and Sirius Orion Black entered the Room of Requirement. To love each other.

_‘Til Death Do You Part._


	9. Epilogue: Letters, Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night and day after the Hall of Mysteries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: This is right after Sirius's fall into the Veil. It's quite heavy.

June 17th 1996\. 11:49 PM

12 Grimmauld Place, London

Remus Lupin walked through the threshold to the Black House. He was tired. He was fucking tired. Like he’d never been before. He closed the door behind him and kept on walking. He was going to ignore everything that night. He was going to ignore everything and everyone because for once he didn’t really feel like being their dear, old, patient Remus.

He went upstairs, to the bedrooms. He didn’t stop at his own. He went to another one. A small tag on its door. ‘Sirius Black’. He closed the door and rested against it, then fell to the ground, closing his eyes.

In that moment he completely crumbled down. He cried. He cried like he’d never cried before. Or maybe not. He’d cried this way once before, when his entire world had fallen apart fifteen years before. Lily, James. Peter too, all killed by the man he loved.

“Please, no.” He sobbed, sticking his hands in his hair, completely broken-hearted.

Remus had spent twelve long years by himself. By himself, with his hatred and his pain. He’d never allowed himself any forgiveness. He thought that if he’d offered himself as Secret Keeper everything would have been different. Instead he’d lost everything in a single night.

And he’d felt so betrayed. Betrayal had fired up inside of him and it made him want to kill and choke with his own bare hands, choke till they stop breathing or their neck breaks. He’d hated Sirius for so long… he’d never allowed himself to feel anything but hate and resentment against him.

And revenge. He wanted revenge. He’d wanted to kill Sirius because he’d betrayed him, he’d betrayed James and Lily and he’d killed poor Peter who had been the only one brave enough to go after him to ask for blood.

Hate. What a horrible feeling. As horrible as love is. How Remus hated himself because he couldn’t stop loving the murderer of his family.

It had taken him a thirteen-year-old kid with messy black hair and huge emerald-green eyes to wake him up.

_Harry._

Harry wasn’t _just_ the hope of the wizarding world.

Harry was _his_ hope.

Harry was the realisation that somehow Lily and James lived on, that they hadn’t died in vain. He was the hope of seeing Prongs running again in the Forbidden Forest, even if it was just as a Patronus.

Harry had been his hope of being wrong about Sirius. Harry had made him realise that rat Wormtail had betrayed them all and that Sirius had suffered more than they could ever imagine those years in Azkaban.

Because of Harry, he’d found the strength to go back to war with no regrets.

Harry had given him the chance of spending two more years with Sirius and for that he would always be grateful.

*** Flashback

_Remus had decided to resign. He knew disappointment would push Severus to tell everyone in Slytherin about his affliction and that would have given Hogwarts trouble it didn’t need._

_This was the answer he’d given anyone who asked, anyhow._

_Who remembered knew why he was actually leaving. Which is why Snape’s lips had curled in disgust when he said goodbye. But Remus didn’t care. He was peaceful for once in his life._

_For once in his life he didn’t feel too guilty for the lingering smile on his face. For once in his life he wasn’t afraid of pushing pain away and going back to living. For once in twelve years, he could actually go back to living his life. Remus shuddered thinking about the fact that sometimes he almost felt like James and Lily were ashamed of him, of the way he’d let himself go. Now he could almost see them smile._

_Which is why he’d apparated to a place he knew very well. Kilronan is the main village in Inis Mor, an island in front of the western coast of Ireland. Its beach had been the set of one of the most beautiful days Remus had ever lived in his life. He doubted_ he _remembered, but he needed to go. Maybe that day, memories wouldn’t hurt so much. So, he’d grabbed everything and let himself be carried there._

_At once he smelled salt and heard the ocean waves. Remus closed his eyes, taking a deep breath._

_“You came.”_

_Remus turned towards the unexpected voice._

Sirius.

_Time hadn’t been kind to either of them. Prison hadn’t been kind to Sirius at all._

_“This is our place.” Remus replied, a sad smile on his face._

_Sirius had changed clothes. He didn’t know how, or why… but he was dressed better than he was, actually. He’d cleaned himself up too, given that he didn’t look like how he’d found him in the Shrieking Shack just a couple of days before._

_“Yeah. Our place.” Sirius repeated, brushing his fingers on Buckbeak’s feathers, who was perched beside him._

_“You changed clothes.” Remus stated, nervously._

_He really didn’t know what to say. It was such a strange feeling. Maybe just as strange as it had been realising he was in love with him._

_“Dumbledore found me yesterday and gave me a couple of things.” Sirius retorted, drily._

_“They’re muggle clothes.” Remus commented, looking towards the ocean._

_“He remembers I hate wizarding robes.” Sirius said, standing up. “These years have been terrible, Rem.”_

_“I know, I… I thought you’d betrayed us all. I thought you’d betrayed_ me. _I thought you’d lied to me for all those years.” Rem replied, shuddering at the nickname._

_“I don’t blame you. You couldn’t know. Nobody knew, except James, Peter and I… and fucking Voldemort, I guess. Not even Lily knew I wasn’t going to be their Secret Keeper anymore.” He replied, getting beside his old friend._

_“But it is my fault. I should have talked to you, I should have asked for explanations. I should have come just to break your jaw, but I should have…”_

_“Rem, I would have still told you it had been me, that I’d killed my brother and his wife, my best girl friend, our best friend. Merlin, Rem… Harry is his spitting image.” Sirius said, putting a hand on the other man’s arm._

_“I know. Same personality too. He’s just as shy as Lily used to be at first. He just tries so hard to be strong for everyone around him, though.” Remus replied, taking his hand._

_Remus needed him. He needed him close._

_“Do you remember the day we came here the first time?” He asked, trying to change the subject._

_“It was the first week of February, 1980. It was pouring down buckets and Lily was screaming at us because she was pregnant, and already huge and couldn’t come with us. It was the first free day we’d had after weeks busy with Order missions and we just wanted to relax. I wanted to visit the village, except that you splinched yourself and we had to stop for a while. But you took your potions, you got over it and we spent the day in a camping tent right here on the beach. Sure, I remember, Rem.” Sirius replied, getting in front of him. “We were freezing, but it was beautiful and we were together and I’ll never forget it.”_

_“I’m sorry, Sirius. I’m so, so sorry… I should have…” Remus started, resting his head on the other man’s chest, as he’d often done so many years – almost a life, really – before._

_“I don’t care. God, I don’t care anymore. I was so angry I almost forgot you and Harry are the only thing that matters.” He stopped him, holding him close. “I missed you so much. And I missed Harry’s whole childhood… I should have been there. I should have been with you and him, to tell him about James and Lily. Instead…”_

_“Instead Peter betrayed us all. Fuck, the rage I felt when I saw him on the Map…”_

_“Can we not talk about him, please?” Sirius asked, resting their foreheads together._

_“It’s still us, Grim?” He asked, closing his eyes._

_“Forever, Rem. Forever.”_

_And they kissed. Again. After almost thirteen years. And it felt like the first time once again. They found each other again. They lost themselves in each other once again. They turned into those seventeen-year-old kids who would rather face their school and fight against them than hide their feelings. And those boys had now turned into men._

_“We’ll find a way. You’re innocent. Everybody needs to know.” Remus said, firmly, once they stopped._

_“The only thing that matters is that you and Harry know. Who cares about other people. I never did. I just want to be free so that we can finally become a family.” Sirius replied, shrugging._

_“We are. We always were and always will be. Here.” He said, putting his hand over Sirius’s heart._

_“Forever.”_

_Forever._

_***_

After that day, they had barely seen or heard from each other. There had been letters, however, with Sirius signing them as Snuffles, like in the letters he was sending Harry. But Voldemort had come back and so had the Order of the Phoenix and they were finally able to be together again. Sure, nobody actually knew about their rekindled relationship. They all thought they were back to being very close friends, but Sirius and Remus were a couple and they didn’t care nobody knew. Well, nobody except Harry.

They’d told Harry during his last Christmas holidays and the boy hadn’t even blinked, replying ‘love is love’. He had never reminded the two Marauders of James more than in that moment.

And then… the Hall of Mysteries. A couple of hours before. And Remus was still in Sirius’s room, in their room, crying, shedding bitter tears because he had nothing left. Harry had been the only thing preventing him from following Sirius into the Veil. Just as he’d prevented Harry from doing so. He couldn’t do it anymore. He was sobbing, his face hidden against his crossed arms over his knees.

He stayed in that position for an indefinite amount of time. When his legs began to hurt, he decided to move to their bed. He put his head on his pillow and hugged Sirius’s, crying even more once he realised it smelled like him. He cried and cried and cried again until he fell asleep. In his heart just a question.

_Why him?_

***

Remus awoke with a start, hearing the doorbell ringing. He groaned in defeat, covering himself with the duvet. He really didn’t want to deal with anyone.

Then the doorbell rang again.

He pushed the covers away, frustratedly, getting out of bed and out of the room. He went downstairs, still sleepy and tired. He went through the entrance, trying to be as silent as possible, so as not to awake Walburga Black, and then unlocked the door.

“Hello, Remus.”

“Hello, _Dora._ ”

Nymphadora Tonks was a strange creature that morning. He was used to her bubble-gum-pink hair and leather clothes. He wasn’t expecting to see her with dark blue hair and dressed in just jeans and a long-sleeved black t-shirt. Once the girl noticed the man, she tightened her arms around him, tackling him with force. Remus returned the hug, lowering his face against her hair.

“I’m sorry, Remus. I’m so sorry.” She said, sombrely, holding him tight.

Tonks cried against his chest, leaning against him. He didn’t. He didn’t even know if he could still cry.

“He was the only family I had. I hadn’t known him for long, but I cared for him.” She said.

“He… he often talked about your mum. He always said she was always ready to rebel if it meant she would end up happy. He followed her steps when he decided to leave his parent’s house.” He rasped.

“It’s my fault, Remus. It’s my fault he’s dead. If I weren’t this weak, I would have defeated Bellatrix and knocked her out. He’s dead because he was fighting against her instead of me.”

“Tonks, we all made a choice when we joined the Order. We knew what we getting into. Sirius knows… knew Bellatrix very well. He didn’t think you are weak. He just wanted to help you.” He replied, flatly.

Tonks sniffled, moving away from him.

“I’m sorry. I came here to help you, not to be comforted.” She said, putting a hand on his face.

He closed his eyes. Being with her was… bizarre. She was a Black too, after all. And like any member of her family she had those incredible grey eyes that peer right into you. Those eyes had made him so damn careful so as not to be mellow in front of the acid, petulant Malfoy heir. And now he had to be careful with her too. He held the hand on his face, enjoying the small feeling of comfort.

“It’s ok. Thank you for being here.”

He tried to smile but couldn’t. His grimace just made her frown.

They spent the morning together. Tonks was trying to read the person in front of her, trying to understand why, why someone as good as Remus had to suffer so much. She thought it was unfair. She thought that life sometimes hounds some people and doesn’t let them go until even their last spark of hope has left them.

“Do you think we’ll win?” She asked, crossing her arms tight to her chest.

Remus turned towards her, confused. He thought deeply about it, then sighed.

“I don’t know. I don’t _know_ we’ll win. What I know is that I can’t give up on Harry. He needs me. James, Lily and… Sirius wouldn’t want me to give up. And I’ll be damned if I’ll leave him on his own.” He replied, holding the teacup in his hand.

Dora got next to him, holding him tight again. He held her back, feeling warmth in his chest. She was calmness. She was war and peace. Perhaps just as Sirius had been. He closed his eyes against her shoulder, holding her close by her hips.

Peace was all he needed. And he would find it, looking to the future, as mysterious and doubtful as it was, and looking at his past, filled with memories and friends who had left.

***

_Ottery St. Catchpole_

_July 5 th, 1997_

_Dear Sirius,_

_It’s me. We haven’t talked for a while, almost a year now. I’m writing because it’s a special day for me today._

_Fuck, you don’t know how I wish you could be here today. In her place, perhaps. But it’s only wishful thinking on my part._

_I never got over you. I never could. You are and always will be the person I’ve loved the most in my life, and you know it. But I needed to write today. I know you probably don’t approve, I know you probably hate me today, but please, don’t judge me. I just want some peace._

_Growing fond of her wasn’t in my plans. I wanted to be faithful to you until the day I die but… she cares about me. Our relationship is different from our own, but I care for her too and even though I will love you until my dying day, I can’t help but try and move on. She’s been so patient with me and her eyes look so much like yours… she probably knows too, and yet she accepts me the way I am. I’ll always be grateful for that._

_Please, don’t hate me. I could never live with it. I never handled disappointment in your eyes. I never handled guilt well. Please, forgive me and try to understand me. You are and always will be my one and only._

_Merlin, I’m so pathetic._

_I’m getting married today. With your cousin. I don’t know why I needed to put that down in paper, given the fact that I know you’re here with me. Always. I hope you found James and Lily wherever you are. I hope you are all happy together, as brothers and sisters, as we were once, before our family was struck by evil._

_I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss you so much sometimes I can’t even breathe. But I know you’re here with me. Because I feel you. I feel your presence with me, I feel your eyes on me and I know you will be there once I move to the other side to be with you, forever._

_I love you, Sirius. This will never change. It won’t change with my vows. You can be sure of that. I love you and it fucking hurts, because we had too little time. But it’s alright. Well, it isn’t, but memories will have to be enough for now. And I love you, never forget it._

_See you in heaven, Grim._

_Yours forever,_

_Rem._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember when I wrote this chapter 10 years ago. It hurt to write. But yeah. Sorry for the bitter ending.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fanfic almost 10 years ago. 10 years ago we knew nothing about the Marauders except what She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had written in the books. I know because I had to search everywhere for any tiny detail that could help me to write these 9 chapters. There was nothing. Just wishful thinking kept together by tape and glue.  
> I don't know why I decided to translate this work now - the original is in Italian. I'm actually editing it - a lot - adding new information, correcting names, adding characters whenever I can. But it isn't easy.  
> I'm not doing this for any particular reason. I don't expect this to blow up. I'm just doing it for myself. Cause it's nice to see myself write/translate again and publish again after so long. I missed it.  
> There are also... darkish themes in this. I wrote this fanfic cause I needed to come to terms with things myself. So most of the things that Sirius and Remus will think or say... I've thought of them or said them. So yeah.  
> Oh, I love putting Easter eggs in my stories. Karen is the woman from How I Met Your Mother Ted was in love with from college (high school?). Told you I wrote this in 2011.  
> See ya next Friday!


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